1st Year of Mommyhood

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart." -Jeremiah 29:11-13

The last year has been so full of memories. My life has changed in ways that I never could have imagined, let alone fully prepared for. I have been broken, and made stronger all at the same time so many, many times in the last 12 months. I have loved someone so new, so quickly, so completely in a way that I could not have understood before. There have been so many lessons that I have had to learn for myself in order to fully comprehend them. In honor of my first year's journey as a mommy, here are a few truths I have learned first hand.  1. My Body Had a Baby. I would be lying if I said that every day I have been grateful for the remnants that remain of having been pregnant. I spent so many years intentionally ignoring scales and diets, and even the conversations surrounding them. I always hated how women I knew belittled their value due to the number on the scales. I made it through much of my pregnancy happily gaining every pound and watching myself swell at a steady pace... that is until I saw the pictures of myself at my baby shower. I spent the next two months excitedly awaiting the rapid weight loss following delivery that the books promised me. Truth is, the weight did leave- sometimes fast, sometimes very, very, VERY slow. Now it seems to have stopped all together. Some days I cringe when I catch myself in the mirror because the belly and legs that were once large, round, and smooth are now shrunken, wrinkly, and mostly stretch-marked. I have often ignored my husband's words when he says I am beautiful, and I have beaten myself up a little because my body didn't make it through pregnancy unscathed. The truth is this though, and it is not only very obvious, but very simple- I had a baby. I grew, I carried, I delivered a beautiful, healthy baby boy- a one of kind original blessing from God that no one else on this earth could have grown. Anyone of us could go outside, plant some seeds, and harvest strawberries in plenty, but only I could have grown Reagan. While I did not deserve it, never once proved myself worthy, I was chosen to carry this precious little person and to be given the opportunity to be his mommy. Of course I have stretch marks, he needed the room. Of course I have baby weight, he had to grow somehow. None of this is abnormal. None of this has made me flawed or made me less beautiful. To be thankful for this, to remember this very important truth, to ignore the expectations of other mommies and the world we live in, is not always easy, but it is completely worth it. When I let my heart fill with thankfulness, I no longer feel inadequate, but instead beautiful and I am able to focus on things and the people who really matter to me. (I'll be honest too, a little Meghan Trainor goes a long way.)  2. There Is Beauty in the Mess. I don't know about you, but I have only become slightly addicted to  Fixer Upper in the last year. During a 3 am feeding, with milk running down my side, fighting a newborn to latch (and then relatch again), and praying not only that I stay awake through the full feeding, but that I fall back to sleep with ease, Fixer Upper episodes were my hope-filled dreams. We weren't home long before I found myself a complete and utter mess. Not only was I skipping washing my hair for more than a day or two, but I smelled like sour milk every day no matter if I showered last night or 15 minutes ago. Makeup was a distant memory. My clean shirts were covered in wet stains from milk, from baby, from both. My couch was constantly recovering from spit up stains. The smell of a fresh dirty diaper became the norm; and, long before baby toys were scattered, books, instruction booklets, breast pumps, cups, and burp cloths were laying on every surface. Forgetting the physical mess, my daily routine was gone. The day to day expectations for me were up in the air with no supervisor, no employee handbook, no time clock to help me navigate my new job. When Justin went back to work, I looked longingly at this little person I loved so much and wished with all I had that he would instruct me. White ship lap-covered walls, perfectly placed accessories, and older homes that had held families who had already found their way around life were my hiding place even in the midst of the mess. Plus, Joanna Gaines stood on screen with perfect makeup, hair, attire, and never once looked frazzled about her jobs and responsibilities to her family. Why wasn't I like that? Why wasn't my home like that? Crazy thoughts like this were common as I constantly criticized myself and tried to find my way around. One day, in one brief moment of calm, I realized just how beautiful my new life actually was. Yes, it was messy, but an instruction booklet had been put away (probably for the pump, which I think we can all agree is one of the weirdest, most intimidating contraptions you see as a mommy). It was something so simple, but it was a huge achievement for me. Reagan was sleeping. With a little luck, I would shower later that night. Life would keep going, I would keep growing, no matter how messy my life looked sometimes. Every moment of craziness, of tears, of stress, of uncertainty, of cluelessness would pass soon enough. In its wake there would be Justin and I, stronger together, feeling so much accomplished, enjoying the calm while it lasted, and praying hard that we would not forget our last lesson. Several months later, this feeling hasn't changed. Life as a mommy, for me anyway, has meant constantly adjusting and tweaking bits and pieces here and there. With every abrupt change brought on by Reagan, I quickly attempt to adjust and wait for the dust to settle. I don't let the mess ruin my day. I clean it up when I have a minute and move on. (Yes, babies eventually allow you time to do this, believe it or not.) Our home is not a Fixer Upper one, but it is mine just the same. There is beauty in it every day. I just have to work harder to find it and appreciate it more than I did before having a baby. 3. Appreciating the Little Things That Make Me Happy Is a Big Deal. If you asked my mother if I am the type of person who likes to be in control, she would probably immediately break into laughter. I am, and have for as long as I can remember, liked things just the way I want them. I might maybe possibly definitely 100% have a quirk or two. For instance. I might insist on having on a pair of jeans and my shoes every day before doing any type of work. It just may be that I don't feel like doing anything until I am fully dressed every single day. I might probably ignore a knock at the door from a neighbor and live like a hermit for the day with the blinds closed and the curtains drawn if I have no makeup on. I might even have trouble falling asleep at night in a bed that was never made that day. As I am sure you might have guessed by now, motherhood kicked me flat on my derriere and left me seeing stars. For the first several months, I slept so late most days that missing breakfast wasn't only easy, it was a given. I found myself cleaning, cooking, and rushing through a quick shower nearly every day only to have a night of random sleep and another late morning. This schedule may have worked great for Little Bit, and Justin may not have cared just like he said, but for me it was craziness. There had to be a better way. Even if that was my life that day, in those moments, what would follow? Could I help it along at all? Was I supposed to feel this helpless? Surely I could do this better. The good news is that it has gotten better. Sleeping until 9 is a luxury these days, not always a given. I eventually found myself able to finish a hot shower, and fall back into a bed that had been awaiting me after being made up all day. It just wasn't easy finding my way to this spot now. I don't always make time to paint my nails, but that isn't anything new. I do make time in the morning to put on my makeup though, even if it is an hour or two off from the day before. I do enjoy opening the blinds, soaking in the sunlight, and being prepared to step out at any given minute. If you follow me on Instagram, you know that Justin has even helped me find time to make a pot of coffee every morning without making Reagan wait for breakfast. I pick up the mess after Little Bit is in bed. I get up to a clean house (most days), and that for me makes a world of difference. I try to make plans and keep to my to-do lists, but I'm not so attached that I break down in tears and feel like a failure if the day had other plans in the end. Each little thing makes me feel a little better, makes me think I have it a little more together, and breathe a little easier at the end of the day. 4. Gold Stars from Others Mean Nothing. In a world where it seems like gold stars are handed out for every little accomplishment, mommyhood is not off limits. Now my own mother has soothed my nerves and given me strength in many a conversation, but that is because (A.) she NEVER says anything she doesn't mean, and (B.) being a mommy for her is a life of love. I respect her not only as my mother, but as a mommy all together. I take it as high praise that she lets me mother my child the way I see fit and that she trust that I know my child best. I thought that I was past needing the assurance of others myself. Then, I became a mommy and wished someone could assure me I was doing this right. At a paying job, you receive an annual evaluation in place of constant praise. That one on one time with your supervisor (plus a little bit of monetary compensation) is fresh air all of us can enjoy. Being a mommy isn't like any other job you will have though. Your hard work, your commitment, your efforts are not only without a paycheck and an annual raise, but no one can assure you enough that you are doing the best you can. Not only can you not wait around for it, but even when you have it, it won't satisfy you the way you expect it to. Only you know (and sometimes you feel like you will never know) how well you are doing. I find my assurances and evaluations from one little person. I find it in the moments he runs to me to comfort him, or when he stops playing to come up to hug me and offer me several slobbery kisses (yep, still wearing wet spots a year later). I find it when he learns a new word, or accomplishes a new skill. When I see, even briefly, that he knows he is loved, that he knows he can trust me, that he knows I am here for him, that is all the assurance and encouragement I need to keep going.  Before I was a mommy, I worried about me. I worried about my husband, I worried about my family, but I mostly worried about me. If I was upset, I thought everyone needed to know it, and someone needed to fix it. I thought painting my nails was the only extra treat I could add into my schedule because everything else was a given. I thought I worked hard. I thought I was strong when I needed to be, and I thought that I didn't care what others thought about me. I thought it was easy to succeed at whatever I put my mind to- including being a mommy. I thought being pregnant automatically made me a mommy, and that giving birth was just a part of it. I thought wrong.  Being pregnant was part of the journey. It was the very beginning. Being scared, being hopeful, praying nonstop was just the first part of me becoming a mommy. Being a mommy, a real 100% mommy, is a choice. It is a choice a woman makes every second of every day, and it is made with complete love. For me, it is the continued fear from pregnancy, only over new things that do not revolve around pregnancy, but still revolve around my baby. It is endless prayers. It is being exhausted, wanting to play the pity card I swore I would never play, and being angry over a mess that I helped to make and am too tired to clean up at times. Being a mommy is never having all of the answers, but problem-solving nonetheless. It is doing the right thing because I know it is right, even though the little person it is benefiting most thinks I am completely wrong (ex. immunizations, waking him up to nurse, nap time, not letting him play in the toilet, etc.). It is being human and worrying too much about other's opinions and then realizing how stupid I am to waste time on those worries. It is remembering, and realizing all over again, who really matters in my life. It is being grateful just to brush my teeth in the morning without a certain someone crying for me to hold him. It is doing for someone else without a thank you or a word of praise because I love that person more than I love myself. Everything I do, everything I have done, for this amazing, beautiful, little person I do because I love him. I want him to be happy. I want him to have a life so full of love that he never knows a moment without it. I never want him to doubt it. I never want him to know what it is to miss it. I want his life to be full of love in the beginning, so that hopefully it will be full of love in the end. I want this more than anything else. His life is precious, and to know him and love him is one of the greatest gifts that I have ever been given. I have never worked harder, or had to be stronger than I have in this past year, and it is only the beginning.

So to all the mommies out there- go hug your sweet babies (even if they are full grown, I promise they want you to). :) To all of the one day mommies- prepare to work hard, to be tired, and to love like you can not imagine. Being a mommy is truly a blessing. Like any blessing, it deserves to be respected and treasured, and it has a purpose in your life, so do not throw it away, ladies.

Christmas Gift List 2016

Okay, so I am sure by now that y'all are all aware of how crazy, nutty I am when it comes to Christmas. Having a baby has only made me worse. Justin and I try really hard to resist the urge to buy every adorable toy we come across throughout the year, so give us a holiday or a birthday and we are like kids in a toy store. Of course as adults (& in an attempt to be responsible parents), we still have to reign ourselves in quite a bit even then.  Thanks to Chelsea at Front Porch Stories, I decided that this year I would put together our Christmas gift list for Reagan. I hope this was what you were looking for, Chelsea! 1. Fisher-Price Little People Mighty Kings Castle 2. VTech Musical Rhymes Book 3. Holy Stone RC Cartoon Race Car with Action Figure 4. LeapFrog Fridge Numbers Magnetic Set 5. VTech Turn and Learn Driver 6. VTech Smart Shots Sports Center 7. Mega Bloks First Builders Big Building Bag (Classic) 8. VTech Go! Go! Smart Animals Grow and Learn Farm Now I know that it looks like we went a bit overboard, BUT in our defense 3 of these items are coming from the North Pole. Santa found a great deal at ToysRUS a few months ago- Buy 1 Get 1 Free VTech toys to be exact. Of course he and Mrs. Claus just couldn't pass up the opportunity to help out the elves a bit. They decided to go ahead and purchase the sports center and farm set. I mean, of course Reagan (Mr. Bundle of Energy himself) must have the sports center and his love for animals called for the farm as well. Considering they were the same price, Santa left very happy. During a recent walk through ToysRUs, Santa even found the castle on clearance. (A better price than Amazon actually- how often does that happen?!?!?!) They even have additional knights you can purchase in pairs. We saw so many cute things. Picking and choosing what to get is a lot harder than we ever expected. At the end of the day though, we really tried to choose what we think he would enjoy the most. Unlike last year, he is actually letting us see more of his interests these days. There will of course be a few little stocking stuffers, some Christmas pajamas, and a new Christmas book (for our Christmas Eve box), but I am waiting until closer to Christmas to take on the search. These are our main gifts this year though. Now just to wait for Christmas and pray he loves them as much as we imagine he will. :) 

Reagan's 1st Birthday!

Angel Baby, you will actually be 1 year old tomorrow! Mommy does not quite know what to think. Today last year, I was wandering around the house trying to finish the little touches I thought were important before bringing you home (mostly this meant a lot of cleaning). I remember being so very tired and not wanting to move at times. I took quite a few breaks that day and just laid my hand on my belly to feel your sweet little arms and legs kicking me back. I was nervous about what would happen the next day, but I was so very excited to meet you that I could hardly stand it. I remember Mommy and Daddy went for Olive Garden and Orange Leaf that night, and we talked about you the whole time. Daddy slept hard that night (which would be the last time that happened for a while). We fell asleep talking about how soon we would have you with us in that same bed. I remember it all as though it were last night.

"Rabbit Food"- or baby carrots with...

Peanut Butter and Cream Cheese Dip (on frozen reusable ice cubes from $1 Store)

Acorns- Ritz Bits, Hershey Kisses, and Chocolate Chips

Trail Mix- Pretzels, Pastel M&Ms, Gerber Owl Cheese Crackers, & Cinnamon Teddy Grahams

Pretzel Sticks covered with chocolate and graham cracker crumbs.

I can not believe it has actually been one full year since we finally got to meet you. You have kept us so busy; so happy (even if very tired at times). You have accomplished so much in your first year, Little Bit. You are far from that helpless, cooing baby we first met. Then again, we knew even back then that you had so much to tell us; so much you wanted to do with us. You are such a little explorer. Everything, anything, at any time will peak your curiosity and nothing will satisfy you until Mommy and Daddy examine it with you. 

You wake up talking. Truly. You begin talking as soon as you lift your head from the mattress. It amazes me, and it makes us both laugh to hear you. You get that from Daddy because Mommy wakes up much more slowly than either of you. Still, that beautiful smile that greets me each morning wakes me right up and assures me that it is going to be another great day.

Little Bit can put away some lemonade, y'all. He LOVES it!

You have such a little fire in you. Oh my goodness, what a fire you have. I do believe you will be so strong-minded that few will ever get the better of you. If they do, Mommy and Daddy are certain you will learn quickly and grow stronger from it. I do admire this special gift you have, sweetheart. I know it will be some time before I can ever tell you this, but it really is a strong piece of your character. You are very clear that you do not like being told no, and you sometimes fight us to prove we are wrong in telling you so. (Yes, even at 1.) It hurts Mommy to have to get onto you, but I know if we can teach you to use that little fire correctly that it will be the good gift it is intended to be.

Teddy Bear Face Masks with Giant Colors for craft project

Fall Decorations that I already had, but they matched so well and are so happy. Reagan keeps trying to get them.

Track Decals from Oriental Trading Company

Thank You Bags (w/ Themed Cups for the 2 children that came). 

Thank You Bags included a Fox Cookie, a Pretzel Stick, Blue Dinner Mints, Owl Playing Cards, and 1 Hand Sanitizer

You learn so quickly, Reagan. Gosh, you learn fast. It absolutely amazes us what you do and say. You have learned words are a great form of communication, and you have wasted no time in putting as many as you can to use. Even if you are rambling in 95% gibberish, your emotions and expressions always make it crystal clear what you are trying to convey. You try so hard to learn new words though, challenging yourself to do better. It is so incredibly amazing.

He only let me open the 1st gift with him, then he went straight to Daddy, so we swapped. 

You and your daddy have a special bond. Even on that first day that we were alone together while Daddy was at his office, I could tell you were looking for him. You just had this puzzled look on your face, like something or someone was missing. When you saw Daddy that afternoon, you were completely at ease. You almost looked like you were laughing at yourself for not realizing it was specifically Daddy you wanted that day. Everyday after was the same. When you could finally say dada, you started saying it at random throughout the day. You've even used it a time or two to guilt me for telling you no at times. You started calling out to him as soon as he walked in the door, and when you could crawl you began crawling straight to him as soon as the door opened no matter where you were in the house. Now that you can walk, it is even better. On rainy days, we wait inside by the french doors. You look outside (in the direction his truck comes) everyday and you wait so patiently. Sometimes we go outside and you run around until you see him. The other day I had to chase you down the driveway 3 times because you were not only running to the street, but trying to turn down the side Daddy comes from. I have had to start using your backpack leash to keep you in the yard while we wait now. Every time though, no matter what, your face is always the same. Your eyes light up and you give the biggest, sweetest smile while you tell him hi and hold up your arms to be picked up. I do not know anything else could make your daddy happier everyday. You sleep until the same time almost everyday, but on the weekends you fall on Daddy's schedule. You will wake up 2 hours early every Saturday and Sunday and call for your Daddy because you know he is up. I hear the two of you playing together every morning (and poor Daddy having to chase you a few times). When y'all hear Mommy, you both come in the room with smiles and kisses for me too.

That hat only lasted until the candle was blown out.

He was crazy for some cake. Pops shared his while I cut everyone a slice.

You and I have had a pretty crazy year, Little Bit. We have struggled with a rough start nursing, bad diaper rashes, fighting naps, hard nights, and the infamous moments where I tell you no for doing something you shouldn't. These are bittersweet moments for Mommy. I have been near tears, in tears, or completely frustrated during each of these scenarios, and yet, in the end, the joy that comes from overcoming each of these moments with you is so satisfying that I will gladly fight through it all whenever needed. I love you fiercely, Reagan. You have no idea that when you stop playing to lay on my chest, or shower me in (albeit slobbery) kisses, or give me that bright smile with those twinkling eyes, you make Mommy's heart swell a hundred times over. Even when you are happily playing with Daddy on the weekends or in the afternoons, you are always happy to add me into the mix to play too. I love being your mommy, Angel Baby.

Because even after cake and gifts, you HAVE to have a chocolate pretzel stick. :)

After the party, there was an after party of sorts. Crazy boy was all into his new ball pit.

Oh, and can't forget the V-Tech Karoke Machine Juju and Pops got for him! Too cute!!!

Reagan, you have completely turned your daddy's and my world upside down. Life before you seems so far gone that it is hard to imagine there ever was such a time anymore.We have loved every minute with you- yes, even the hardest, tear-filled minutes. You are our first angel baby to enter our life and begin our family, so tomorrow when we are celebrating your 1st birthday, we will be celebrating our first year as a family with you as well. God surpassed every prayer we ever prayed when He gave us you. We will forever be grateful for His decision to trust you with us, and we pray every day that He continue to show us how to be the very best parents to you, sweetheart. You are such a blessing, Reagan. You are so loved- so strongly and truly loved. You can just never know exactly how much you are loved. Mommy and Daddy love you, Little Bit. Happy 1st Birthday!!!

When Making Mommy Friends

I am so ready to post pictures of Little Bit's 1st birthday party, but I am still shifting through pictures. My mother took so many good ones y'all, so be ready for lots of party pics! For just a minute, I need to hop off the excitement of birthdays and planning. I've recently been dealt a situation that I honestly wasn't expecting- a mommy friend. Anyone else having any luck? If you are, be grateful. If not, take a breath and still be grateful. Here is why I say this to the later- In all of the hope-filled, idealistic plans I have had for my future as a mommy, my life in the mommy realm with other mommies has perhaps been the most unrealistic (or perhaps just the most unlikely). Making mommy friends wasn't a top priority for me at first, but the opportunity presented itself just the same. Through acquaintances, I met another mommy with a child near our own sweet boy's age. The first meeting was awkward, but there, in the last few minutes, we found common ground. Looking back at that day, I can only shake my head. I left with my feet steadily lifting off the ground. I could suddenly imagine play dates, company to the park, visits to the museums, automatic friend to talk to when our babies are old enough to play t-ball...and it went on and on. The possibilities were endless and I grew more hopeful by the second. Inside I felt that cautionary voice tugging me back to the ground, warning me not to place too much weight on something so new, or rather in someone I barely knew. My daydreaming had built up my pride too much though, and I pushed caution to the back like a bully on the playground. A positive attitude was all I needed. Simple as that. If only... We immediately began trying out family dinners and outings together. At first, Justin and I both convinced ourselves it was working. We weren't exactly the same as she and her husband, but we weren't polar opposites we told ourselves. Then one night, our family get together was horribly awkward. Justin and I left not knowing what to think. We must have talked about that night for days. At first, we talked about the little events and laughed a little (each trying to get the feel from the other as to his/her real feelings), but soon one of us broke and the other was quick to follow with a sigh of relief. Crazy as it was, neither Justin nor I wanted to ruin our possible friendship with this family for the other person. That night was different though. Honesty and relief poured out of both of us. We quickly came to the conclusion that perhaps family time was not the best thing for our families after all. Still, I wanted a mommy friend, and the events of that night hadn't really been her fault. Actually, I felt sorry for her.   The play dates continued and, y'all, it was never that often and yet still too often. When we did make it happen though, I always left feeling a little worn down. During it all, I found myself ignoring the little red flags, promising to think of them later, and just played through the time on my best behavior. This was another adult- another mommy with babies- I needed this adult interaction. Again and again and again I told myself this same thing. Every time though, I felt a little discouraged, a little weary of things that were said, or often unsaid, or looks that were made. Things Reagan had accomplished were met with excuses for why her child couldn't yet. *When I say excuses- no, I wasn't asking her to explain. She took the defensive on her own.* I tried to be patient with her during these times. When Reagan learned something last, I myself felt a little bad and worried if it were somehow my fault. We are mommies. It happens. It isn't uncommon to take the responsibility for your child's personal milestone pace. Even so, I always ended up being pushed to feel apologetic- for why her child was ahead of Reagan, or why her child was behind Reagan, for my house being cleaned and prepped to enjoy her family's company, or why I skipped an outing with her, or why I didn't invite them over, or why I let Reagan have an extra donut hole, or for not claiming to have read every child-rearing book. Stupid, stupid, stupid little things that makes neither of us good company to one another. Plus, twice her husband confronted me in a way that made it clear he believes even I answer to him. *Stop* Now, this right here is one major sore spot for me. (1.) I am not/never have been too keen on being told what to do, or manipulated into doing something. (2.) Of all the men on earth, last time I checked the only man I owe any explanation to for anything is my husband. Out of respect, I would answer my daddy even now if he ever asked me to explain myself. That said, those two men would never abuse the place they have in my life and talk to me or anyone else's wife like this man has taken upon himself to speak to me. Rant over. Fast forward a bit. One day a few weeks ago, it really hit me how grown up Reagan is. Yes, he is still completely and totally a baby, but he isn't the helpless little person I brought home. He's hit all of the baby milestones. We are going into our 2nd year together. Oh. My. Gosh. I can remember so much of it, and yet I feel as though I can not remember enough. I thought of how often I have been focused on my outings with her and her family; even in the days following as I struggle to untangle the mess of thoughts and feelings I have about it all. A real relationship isn't meant to be like this, especially not with someone I am giving some of my and my child's most precious time to. One day, I hope Reagan will make friends. When that time comes, I know that good or bad I will have contact with other mommies. We may be friends; we may not. In the end though, as long as Reagan is happy then that is all that matters. Right now, this "friendship" has been more about me and this other mommy. Our children have not bonded. A piece of me is angry at myself for the time I have lost debating something that doesn't really matter. On the other hand though, knowing full-well that God has reason for EVERYTHING... *I have come to appreciate my time with my angel baby even more than I thought possible. *I have become even more excited and hopeful for my friend and for my sister who I fully anticipate will soon join me as wives and mommies.  *I have found myself enjoying and pushing myself to venture out more and more with Reagan. It is never time wasted. Y'all, seriously, if I could tape the little person he is all of the time... it is so amazing. I am absolutely in love with this little boy (sitting beside me on the floor, chewing on my phone case.*Nope, not waterproof either.*). Having a mommy friend is truly a gift if you have such an opportunity. Talking diapers, new words, fumbles and tumbles is all sweet and fun these days. I love every bit of it. Knowing it all or having your brain together long enough to finish a complete sentence is not required. There is one major factor though- something that is key for any relationship, especially a new one as a mommy- my time is precious. It is more precious now than it was even 4 years ago when I was single, or 3 years ago when I met Justin, or even last year at this time when I was 4 days from our delivery date with a mountain of nesting to do and zero energy. Because of this one little person- this less than 3 feet tall ever-growing, jibberish-speaking little boy- my time is valuable to me. Every minute that passes with him leads to another milestone and marks another memory. In my old age, I won't speak with pride and an over-flowing heart because of the branches I helped supervise, or the clothes that I wore, or even the awards that I won at work. No, instead it will be the giggles I caused, the snuggles I stole, the tears I made disappear, and the random "just because" kisses I was given from our sweet boy that have brought me my best success, my strongest encouragement. Each of these moments, each one, is a gift from above. I am not entitled to them. There is no automatic button for them (in case you were wondering). I have to work for them. Sometimes they are gone for so long, I myself feel like crying because I worry I may never see them again. They are that needed and that precious in my life now. All of this said, when I share my time with someone else, I expect them to appreciate it, even add to the memories. For me, I have realized that in order to be a good mommy, I am called to do a lot of challenging, nerve-wracking, uncomfortable, even new things sometimes, but never should this sacrifice the time I have been given to enjoy and grow our sweet boy into the young man he is meant to be or the wife & mommy I am supposed to be.  I have really prayed and struggled with what to do here. I have talked so much about it that Justin and my family are probably praying for an instantaneous solution for my problem or a roll of duct tape for their ears. While I have no problem making up my mind, I do hate to hurt feelings, especially when it is a decision I make based on differences. The truth is this though- I haven't found a mommy friend. She and I are a distraction for one another. We are grown women, married, with a child the same age expecting to be more similar than we are. We neither agree nor respect the other's approach or outlook on life. For the sake of dreamy ideals that we hold, we are trying to force a relationship while our babies are growing up and making memories whether we see it or not. It isn't fair to either of us or our sweet boys. I will still her (it is not that big an area), but rather than attempting a closer relationship, I think I will simply see her as an acquaintance. No more play dates, no more get-togethers, no more birthday invites- simple, respectful conversation when we pass each other is how I will move forward. I don't have to be friends with every mommy I meet, simply attempt to respect them. Today was library day, and rather than aiming to attend because it is what expected of me, I opted for quiet time out with Angel Baby while the weather was clear. I will say here that I actually do love storytime with Reagan, but when the reason for doing something is more for someone else than myself or my family then it isn't worth it. So, no, to the library today. Instead, we ventured to the park. Y'all, I never take him alone, but I did today. He laughed as I pushed him in the swings, helped him climb the plastic dinosaur, and we both steadily melted in the sweltering heat. You could have written a book with all that he was attempting to tell me- a mix of steady jibberish and English. When we got back to the car, he guzzled every bit of lemonade that I had saved in his sippy cup for him as a treat. He even took the time to put his cup in the cupholder in his carseat, which he has never done before today. We left after only 30 minutes, but this was a huge feat for us and it was one filled with so many memories. Afterwards we went for donut holes- our treat. The tables were full so we came home to eat. I changed into shorts so we could enjoy our donuts picnic-style in the front yard. We shared a bottle of water...until someone got chocolate icing crumbs backwashed into the bottle. Then it was solely his bottle of water. I rocked him to sleep for his nap right after and, y'all, I lost count of how many kisses and hugs he gave me. We ended our adventure with a trip to my family's house where we were both hugged and kissed and loved on for hours. It was time preciously spent and enjoyed. There were still multiple "no-no" moments and a few bumps and tears, but overall it was wonderful. These are the days I want to savor. These are the memories I want to share with him- whether we stay home or go out to adventure. This is time I will never get back. We only get one shot at this, ladies. Enjoy it! Also, for a humorous take on mommies we meet today, hop on over to Marry Mint and read about Amanda's recent experience!

11 Month Birthday!

Sweet Boy, I can not believe you are 11 months old today. We are just one month away from celebrating your very first birthday. Yikes! You have been so busy this month, Little Bit. You took your first steps at Juju and Pops' house on Father's Day. Apparently the excitement of being able to play with a weeble-wobble in each hand was just what you needed to motivate those little feet. You were not too anxious to repeat it again over the next few days (despite all of the encouragement Mommy and Daddy were giving you to give it a go again). Within a day or two though, you began taking those steps again. Everyday you walked more and more. Now you actually try to walk rather than crawl places. When you are in a hurry though, you still take to crawling because it seems that that is still the fastest way for you to move. We are so proud of how quickly you have improved, and so impressed with how far your independent self is taking you.  You have started talking on your toy phone more often. In fact, you typically take Mommy's phone when she leaves it nearby and swipe the screen with your little fingers until your picture pops up. Multiple times you have held the phone to your head and started saying "Hi ya!", and sometimes you even saying Daddy's name. When you see Daddy's picture on Mommy's phone and hear him talking, you light up! You talk over Mommy and tell him hi as much as possible while he is on the phone. It makes Daddy so happy. You love being outside. You walk in the grass, pick up leaves, play in the bushes. You are so curious and always perk up when Mommy takes you outside for a little bit. When you can't go outside, you go to the dining room doors and look out the window. When you see Daddy drive up, you smile really big and clap your hands. If Mommy is holding you, you jump up and down in my arms and wave at Daddy. You always go to the front door and try to crawl out so you can get to Daddy first. I think it just may be your favorite part of the day (& possibly Daddy's too). Mommy loves to see how sweet you and Daddy are with each other.  You have learned to clap. One night you just started clapping and didn't think anything of it. Mommy and Daddy were so excited that we might have scared you for a minute. When we started clapping, you just smiled and went right back to clapping. Now every time you clap, you expect us to clap too. It is so sweet and makes us laugh so much together.  You love music. While "Old McDonald" is still your favorite, you seem to like all music. Mommy let you watch Dumbo for the first time a few weeks ago and you actually sat to watch a good bit of it. I'm not positive that it was the movie you liked though, because you really only watched the musical parts to it. We highly suspect that you get your love of music from Mommy.  You love for Mommy and Daddy to read to you. You will often sit next to us while we read you one of your stories. Sometimes when you are playing by yourself, you will go to your bookshelf and pull out a few of your books. It is not uncommon for us to find you quietly turning the pages and looking at the pictures. I hope you always feel this way about books, Little Bit. We gave you one of your birthday presents early last week and you are absolutely in love. Your big boy chair with your name on it has become your go-to seat by your toys, and also your go-to "step stool" when you want your blocks off of the top of your toy shelf. You know you are not supposed to do this though, so you typically start to do it and then grin and sit down when Mommy and Daddy tell you not to. It didn't take you long to figure out how to sit in it and climb out of it without any help. You just smile and move in and out of it whenever you want now. You are incredibly smart, Reagan. It surprises even Mommy and Daddy at times with how creative you are when interacting with us. For instance, the other night Mommy shared of some of her french-fries with you by putting them into one of your little bowls. When you had finished, you walked all the way to Daddy, holding your bowl, and hit his side with it to ask for more. You just smiled really big when he asked if you wanted some. You wake us up some mornings by yelling out "Hi" from your baby bed so that we know to come get you. You are very good at pointing at things you want us to see. It is usually followed by gibberish, but we know you are trying to tell us something about whatever it is you are looking at. When we ask you questions, you always try to respond. You have also started to listen to Mommy and Daddy more when we tell you not to do something. Of course you do not like to hear us tell you no, but you are learning you have to listen.  You have figured out how to open doors. Mommy and Daddy typically have to lock the door when we don't want you to follow us into the room. We can not believe you have figured out so quickly how to play with the doorknobs until the door opens for you.  You started waving within the last month. Juju and Pops were leaving our house and you started waving to them. It was the first time you had ever waved before. Now you wave good-bye and hello to just about everyone. Sometimes you will say bye-bye, but you typically like to say hi. In fact, you actually tried to keep me from leaving your room so you could nap today, by waving and saying hi. You have 8 teeth! They are all up front and they are so stinking cute!!!! You put them to use constantly and are so happy to be able to eat more and more big boy food every day.  Reagan, you are growing up so much and I can not begin to tell you exactly how proud we are of you. You are constantly moving; constantly learning. We are doing all we can to keep up with you and help you as you continue to learn and grow. It is amazing to watch you and to be able to interact with you. We know that this last month will go by so fast, especially with birthday plans. We want you to enjoy everyone celebrating with our sweet boy and seeing how much you have grown in such a short amount of time. Mommy and Daddy love you, Angel Baby.