When Making Mommy Friends

I am so ready to post pictures of Little Bit's 1st birthday party, but I am still shifting through pictures. My mother took so many good ones y'all, so be ready for lots of party pics! For just a minute, I need to hop off the excitement of birthdays and planning. I've recently been dealt a situation that I honestly wasn't expecting- a mommy friend. Anyone else having any luck? If you are, be grateful. If not, take a breath and still be grateful. Here is why I say this to the later- In all of the hope-filled, idealistic plans I have had for my future as a mommy, my life in the mommy realm with other mommies has perhaps been the most unrealistic (or perhaps just the most unlikely). Making mommy friends wasn't a top priority for me at first, but the opportunity presented itself just the same. Through acquaintances, I met another mommy with a child near our own sweet boy's age. The first meeting was awkward, but there, in the last few minutes, we found common ground. Looking back at that day, I can only shake my head. I left with my feet steadily lifting off the ground. I could suddenly imagine play dates, company to the park, visits to the museums, automatic friend to talk to when our babies are old enough to play t-ball...and it went on and on. The possibilities were endless and I grew more hopeful by the second. Inside I felt that cautionary voice tugging me back to the ground, warning me not to place too much weight on something so new, or rather in someone I barely knew. My daydreaming had built up my pride too much though, and I pushed caution to the back like a bully on the playground. A positive attitude was all I needed. Simple as that. If only... We immediately began trying out family dinners and outings together. At first, Justin and I both convinced ourselves it was working. We weren't exactly the same as she and her husband, but we weren't polar opposites we told ourselves. Then one night, our family get together was horribly awkward. Justin and I left not knowing what to think. We must have talked about that night for days. At first, we talked about the little events and laughed a little (each trying to get the feel from the other as to his/her real feelings), but soon one of us broke and the other was quick to follow with a sigh of relief. Crazy as it was, neither Justin nor I wanted to ruin our possible friendship with this family for the other person. That night was different though. Honesty and relief poured out of both of us. We quickly came to the conclusion that perhaps family time was not the best thing for our families after all. Still, I wanted a mommy friend, and the events of that night hadn't really been her fault. Actually, I felt sorry for her.   The play dates continued and, y'all, it was never that often and yet still too often. When we did make it happen though, I always left feeling a little worn down. During it all, I found myself ignoring the little red flags, promising to think of them later, and just played through the time on my best behavior. This was another adult- another mommy with babies- I needed this adult interaction. Again and again and again I told myself this same thing. Every time though, I felt a little discouraged, a little weary of things that were said, or often unsaid, or looks that were made. Things Reagan had accomplished were met with excuses for why her child couldn't yet. *When I say excuses- no, I wasn't asking her to explain. She took the defensive on her own.* I tried to be patient with her during these times. When Reagan learned something last, I myself felt a little bad and worried if it were somehow my fault. We are mommies. It happens. It isn't uncommon to take the responsibility for your child's personal milestone pace. Even so, I always ended up being pushed to feel apologetic- for why her child was ahead of Reagan, or why her child was behind Reagan, for my house being cleaned and prepped to enjoy her family's company, or why I skipped an outing with her, or why I didn't invite them over, or why I let Reagan have an extra donut hole, or for not claiming to have read every child-rearing book. Stupid, stupid, stupid little things that makes neither of us good company to one another. Plus, twice her husband confronted me in a way that made it clear he believes even I answer to him. *Stop* Now, this right here is one major sore spot for me. (1.) I am not/never have been too keen on being told what to do, or manipulated into doing something. (2.) Of all the men on earth, last time I checked the only man I owe any explanation to for anything is my husband. Out of respect, I would answer my daddy even now if he ever asked me to explain myself. That said, those two men would never abuse the place they have in my life and talk to me or anyone else's wife like this man has taken upon himself to speak to me. Rant over. Fast forward a bit. One day a few weeks ago, it really hit me how grown up Reagan is. Yes, he is still completely and totally a baby, but he isn't the helpless little person I brought home. He's hit all of the baby milestones. We are going into our 2nd year together. Oh. My. Gosh. I can remember so much of it, and yet I feel as though I can not remember enough. I thought of how often I have been focused on my outings with her and her family; even in the days following as I struggle to untangle the mess of thoughts and feelings I have about it all. A real relationship isn't meant to be like this, especially not with someone I am giving some of my and my child's most precious time to. One day, I hope Reagan will make friends. When that time comes, I know that good or bad I will have contact with other mommies. We may be friends; we may not. In the end though, as long as Reagan is happy then that is all that matters. Right now, this "friendship" has been more about me and this other mommy. Our children have not bonded. A piece of me is angry at myself for the time I have lost debating something that doesn't really matter. On the other hand though, knowing full-well that God has reason for EVERYTHING... *I have come to appreciate my time with my angel baby even more than I thought possible. *I have become even more excited and hopeful for my friend and for my sister who I fully anticipate will soon join me as wives and mommies.  *I have found myself enjoying and pushing myself to venture out more and more with Reagan. It is never time wasted. Y'all, seriously, if I could tape the little person he is all of the time... it is so amazing. I am absolutely in love with this little boy (sitting beside me on the floor, chewing on my phone case.*Nope, not waterproof either.*). Having a mommy friend is truly a gift if you have such an opportunity. Talking diapers, new words, fumbles and tumbles is all sweet and fun these days. I love every bit of it. Knowing it all or having your brain together long enough to finish a complete sentence is not required. There is one major factor though- something that is key for any relationship, especially a new one as a mommy- my time is precious. It is more precious now than it was even 4 years ago when I was single, or 3 years ago when I met Justin, or even last year at this time when I was 4 days from our delivery date with a mountain of nesting to do and zero energy. Because of this one little person- this less than 3 feet tall ever-growing, jibberish-speaking little boy- my time is valuable to me. Every minute that passes with him leads to another milestone and marks another memory. In my old age, I won't speak with pride and an over-flowing heart because of the branches I helped supervise, or the clothes that I wore, or even the awards that I won at work. No, instead it will be the giggles I caused, the snuggles I stole, the tears I made disappear, and the random "just because" kisses I was given from our sweet boy that have brought me my best success, my strongest encouragement. Each of these moments, each one, is a gift from above. I am not entitled to them. There is no automatic button for them (in case you were wondering). I have to work for them. Sometimes they are gone for so long, I myself feel like crying because I worry I may never see them again. They are that needed and that precious in my life now. All of this said, when I share my time with someone else, I expect them to appreciate it, even add to the memories. For me, I have realized that in order to be a good mommy, I am called to do a lot of challenging, nerve-wracking, uncomfortable, even new things sometimes, but never should this sacrifice the time I have been given to enjoy and grow our sweet boy into the young man he is meant to be or the wife & mommy I am supposed to be.  I have really prayed and struggled with what to do here. I have talked so much about it that Justin and my family are probably praying for an instantaneous solution for my problem or a roll of duct tape for their ears. While I have no problem making up my mind, I do hate to hurt feelings, especially when it is a decision I make based on differences. The truth is this though- I haven't found a mommy friend. She and I are a distraction for one another. We are grown women, married, with a child the same age expecting to be more similar than we are. We neither agree nor respect the other's approach or outlook on life. For the sake of dreamy ideals that we hold, we are trying to force a relationship while our babies are growing up and making memories whether we see it or not. It isn't fair to either of us or our sweet boys. I will still her (it is not that big an area), but rather than attempting a closer relationship, I think I will simply see her as an acquaintance. No more play dates, no more get-togethers, no more birthday invites- simple, respectful conversation when we pass each other is how I will move forward. I don't have to be friends with every mommy I meet, simply attempt to respect them. Today was library day, and rather than aiming to attend because it is what expected of me, I opted for quiet time out with Angel Baby while the weather was clear. I will say here that I actually do love storytime with Reagan, but when the reason for doing something is more for someone else than myself or my family then it isn't worth it. So, no, to the library today. Instead, we ventured to the park. Y'all, I never take him alone, but I did today. He laughed as I pushed him in the swings, helped him climb the plastic dinosaur, and we both steadily melted in the sweltering heat. You could have written a book with all that he was attempting to tell me- a mix of steady jibberish and English. When we got back to the car, he guzzled every bit of lemonade that I had saved in his sippy cup for him as a treat. He even took the time to put his cup in the cupholder in his carseat, which he has never done before today. We left after only 30 minutes, but this was a huge feat for us and it was one filled with so many memories. Afterwards we went for donut holes- our treat. The tables were full so we came home to eat. I changed into shorts so we could enjoy our donuts picnic-style in the front yard. We shared a bottle of water...until someone got chocolate icing crumbs backwashed into the bottle. Then it was solely his bottle of water. I rocked him to sleep for his nap right after and, y'all, I lost count of how many kisses and hugs he gave me. We ended our adventure with a trip to my family's house where we were both hugged and kissed and loved on for hours. It was time preciously spent and enjoyed. There were still multiple "no-no" moments and a few bumps and tears, but overall it was wonderful. These are the days I want to savor. These are the memories I want to share with him- whether we stay home or go out to adventure. This is time I will never get back. We only get one shot at this, ladies. Enjoy it! Also, for a humorous take on mommies we meet today, hop on over to Marry Mint and read about Amanda's recent experience!