1st Year of Mommyhood

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart." -Jeremiah 29:11-13

The last year has been so full of memories. My life has changed in ways that I never could have imagined, let alone fully prepared for. I have been broken, and made stronger all at the same time so many, many times in the last 12 months. I have loved someone so new, so quickly, so completely in a way that I could not have understood before. There have been so many lessons that I have had to learn for myself in order to fully comprehend them. In honor of my first year's journey as a mommy, here are a few truths I have learned first hand.  1. My Body Had a Baby. I would be lying if I said that every day I have been grateful for the remnants that remain of having been pregnant. I spent so many years intentionally ignoring scales and diets, and even the conversations surrounding them. I always hated how women I knew belittled their value due to the number on the scales. I made it through much of my pregnancy happily gaining every pound and watching myself swell at a steady pace... that is until I saw the pictures of myself at my baby shower. I spent the next two months excitedly awaiting the rapid weight loss following delivery that the books promised me. Truth is, the weight did leave- sometimes fast, sometimes very, very, VERY slow. Now it seems to have stopped all together. Some days I cringe when I catch myself in the mirror because the belly and legs that were once large, round, and smooth are now shrunken, wrinkly, and mostly stretch-marked. I have often ignored my husband's words when he says I am beautiful, and I have beaten myself up a little because my body didn't make it through pregnancy unscathed. The truth is this though, and it is not only very obvious, but very simple- I had a baby. I grew, I carried, I delivered a beautiful, healthy baby boy- a one of kind original blessing from God that no one else on this earth could have grown. Anyone of us could go outside, plant some seeds, and harvest strawberries in plenty, but only I could have grown Reagan. While I did not deserve it, never once proved myself worthy, I was chosen to carry this precious little person and to be given the opportunity to be his mommy. Of course I have stretch marks, he needed the room. Of course I have baby weight, he had to grow somehow. None of this is abnormal. None of this has made me flawed or made me less beautiful. To be thankful for this, to remember this very important truth, to ignore the expectations of other mommies and the world we live in, is not always easy, but it is completely worth it. When I let my heart fill with thankfulness, I no longer feel inadequate, but instead beautiful and I am able to focus on things and the people who really matter to me. (I'll be honest too, a little Meghan Trainor goes a long way.)  2. There Is Beauty in the Mess. I don't know about you, but I have only become slightly addicted to  Fixer Upper in the last year. During a 3 am feeding, with milk running down my side, fighting a newborn to latch (and then relatch again), and praying not only that I stay awake through the full feeding, but that I fall back to sleep with ease, Fixer Upper episodes were my hope-filled dreams. We weren't home long before I found myself a complete and utter mess. Not only was I skipping washing my hair for more than a day or two, but I smelled like sour milk every day no matter if I showered last night or 15 minutes ago. Makeup was a distant memory. My clean shirts were covered in wet stains from milk, from baby, from both. My couch was constantly recovering from spit up stains. The smell of a fresh dirty diaper became the norm; and, long before baby toys were scattered, books, instruction booklets, breast pumps, cups, and burp cloths were laying on every surface. Forgetting the physical mess, my daily routine was gone. The day to day expectations for me were up in the air with no supervisor, no employee handbook, no time clock to help me navigate my new job. When Justin went back to work, I looked longingly at this little person I loved so much and wished with all I had that he would instruct me. White ship lap-covered walls, perfectly placed accessories, and older homes that had held families who had already found their way around life were my hiding place even in the midst of the mess. Plus, Joanna Gaines stood on screen with perfect makeup, hair, attire, and never once looked frazzled about her jobs and responsibilities to her family. Why wasn't I like that? Why wasn't my home like that? Crazy thoughts like this were common as I constantly criticized myself and tried to find my way around. One day, in one brief moment of calm, I realized just how beautiful my new life actually was. Yes, it was messy, but an instruction booklet had been put away (probably for the pump, which I think we can all agree is one of the weirdest, most intimidating contraptions you see as a mommy). It was something so simple, but it was a huge achievement for me. Reagan was sleeping. With a little luck, I would shower later that night. Life would keep going, I would keep growing, no matter how messy my life looked sometimes. Every moment of craziness, of tears, of stress, of uncertainty, of cluelessness would pass soon enough. In its wake there would be Justin and I, stronger together, feeling so much accomplished, enjoying the calm while it lasted, and praying hard that we would not forget our last lesson. Several months later, this feeling hasn't changed. Life as a mommy, for me anyway, has meant constantly adjusting and tweaking bits and pieces here and there. With every abrupt change brought on by Reagan, I quickly attempt to adjust and wait for the dust to settle. I don't let the mess ruin my day. I clean it up when I have a minute and move on. (Yes, babies eventually allow you time to do this, believe it or not.) Our home is not a Fixer Upper one, but it is mine just the same. There is beauty in it every day. I just have to work harder to find it and appreciate it more than I did before having a baby. 3. Appreciating the Little Things That Make Me Happy Is a Big Deal. If you asked my mother if I am the type of person who likes to be in control, she would probably immediately break into laughter. I am, and have for as long as I can remember, liked things just the way I want them. I might maybe possibly definitely 100% have a quirk or two. For instance. I might insist on having on a pair of jeans and my shoes every day before doing any type of work. It just may be that I don't feel like doing anything until I am fully dressed every single day. I might probably ignore a knock at the door from a neighbor and live like a hermit for the day with the blinds closed and the curtains drawn if I have no makeup on. I might even have trouble falling asleep at night in a bed that was never made that day. As I am sure you might have guessed by now, motherhood kicked me flat on my derriere and left me seeing stars. For the first several months, I slept so late most days that missing breakfast wasn't only easy, it was a given. I found myself cleaning, cooking, and rushing through a quick shower nearly every day only to have a night of random sleep and another late morning. This schedule may have worked great for Little Bit, and Justin may not have cared just like he said, but for me it was craziness. There had to be a better way. Even if that was my life that day, in those moments, what would follow? Could I help it along at all? Was I supposed to feel this helpless? Surely I could do this better. The good news is that it has gotten better. Sleeping until 9 is a luxury these days, not always a given. I eventually found myself able to finish a hot shower, and fall back into a bed that had been awaiting me after being made up all day. It just wasn't easy finding my way to this spot now. I don't always make time to paint my nails, but that isn't anything new. I do make time in the morning to put on my makeup though, even if it is an hour or two off from the day before. I do enjoy opening the blinds, soaking in the sunlight, and being prepared to step out at any given minute. If you follow me on Instagram, you know that Justin has even helped me find time to make a pot of coffee every morning without making Reagan wait for breakfast. I pick up the mess after Little Bit is in bed. I get up to a clean house (most days), and that for me makes a world of difference. I try to make plans and keep to my to-do lists, but I'm not so attached that I break down in tears and feel like a failure if the day had other plans in the end. Each little thing makes me feel a little better, makes me think I have it a little more together, and breathe a little easier at the end of the day. 4. Gold Stars from Others Mean Nothing. In a world where it seems like gold stars are handed out for every little accomplishment, mommyhood is not off limits. Now my own mother has soothed my nerves and given me strength in many a conversation, but that is because (A.) she NEVER says anything she doesn't mean, and (B.) being a mommy for her is a life of love. I respect her not only as my mother, but as a mommy all together. I take it as high praise that she lets me mother my child the way I see fit and that she trust that I know my child best. I thought that I was past needing the assurance of others myself. Then, I became a mommy and wished someone could assure me I was doing this right. At a paying job, you receive an annual evaluation in place of constant praise. That one on one time with your supervisor (plus a little bit of monetary compensation) is fresh air all of us can enjoy. Being a mommy isn't like any other job you will have though. Your hard work, your commitment, your efforts are not only without a paycheck and an annual raise, but no one can assure you enough that you are doing the best you can. Not only can you not wait around for it, but even when you have it, it won't satisfy you the way you expect it to. Only you know (and sometimes you feel like you will never know) how well you are doing. I find my assurances and evaluations from one little person. I find it in the moments he runs to me to comfort him, or when he stops playing to come up to hug me and offer me several slobbery kisses (yep, still wearing wet spots a year later). I find it when he learns a new word, or accomplishes a new skill. When I see, even briefly, that he knows he is loved, that he knows he can trust me, that he knows I am here for him, that is all the assurance and encouragement I need to keep going.  Before I was a mommy, I worried about me. I worried about my husband, I worried about my family, but I mostly worried about me. If I was upset, I thought everyone needed to know it, and someone needed to fix it. I thought painting my nails was the only extra treat I could add into my schedule because everything else was a given. I thought I worked hard. I thought I was strong when I needed to be, and I thought that I didn't care what others thought about me. I thought it was easy to succeed at whatever I put my mind to- including being a mommy. I thought being pregnant automatically made me a mommy, and that giving birth was just a part of it. I thought wrong.  Being pregnant was part of the journey. It was the very beginning. Being scared, being hopeful, praying nonstop was just the first part of me becoming a mommy. Being a mommy, a real 100% mommy, is a choice. It is a choice a woman makes every second of every day, and it is made with complete love. For me, it is the continued fear from pregnancy, only over new things that do not revolve around pregnancy, but still revolve around my baby. It is endless prayers. It is being exhausted, wanting to play the pity card I swore I would never play, and being angry over a mess that I helped to make and am too tired to clean up at times. Being a mommy is never having all of the answers, but problem-solving nonetheless. It is doing the right thing because I know it is right, even though the little person it is benefiting most thinks I am completely wrong (ex. immunizations, waking him up to nurse, nap time, not letting him play in the toilet, etc.). It is being human and worrying too much about other's opinions and then realizing how stupid I am to waste time on those worries. It is remembering, and realizing all over again, who really matters in my life. It is being grateful just to brush my teeth in the morning without a certain someone crying for me to hold him. It is doing for someone else without a thank you or a word of praise because I love that person more than I love myself. Everything I do, everything I have done, for this amazing, beautiful, little person I do because I love him. I want him to be happy. I want him to have a life so full of love that he never knows a moment without it. I never want him to doubt it. I never want him to know what it is to miss it. I want his life to be full of love in the beginning, so that hopefully it will be full of love in the end. I want this more than anything else. His life is precious, and to know him and love him is one of the greatest gifts that I have ever been given. I have never worked harder, or had to be stronger than I have in this past year, and it is only the beginning.

So to all the mommies out there- go hug your sweet babies (even if they are full grown, I promise they want you to). :) To all of the one day mommies- prepare to work hard, to be tired, and to love like you can not imagine. Being a mommy is truly a blessing. Like any blessing, it deserves to be respected and treasured, and it has a purpose in your life, so do not throw it away, ladies.