Loving the Life I Have

I had found myself in a slump. While we were celebrating our sweet boy's first birthday, I was already looking for what was next. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I didn't know what that was. What was I supposed to do? A year of milestones had come and gone. Monthly pictures were no longer necessary. Potty-training, big boy bedroom, 2nd birthday plans were all at least a year away. Christmas gifts were bought. Our first family vacation was booked. Everything told me to breathe, to relax, to enjoy the moments little by little finally. In actuality, I felt the complete opposite. I was restless. What was next? I felt like I had missed something- like I was still missing something.  It didn't take long for my dissatisfaction to effect every other aspect of my life. Frustration with my own short-comings were beginning to preoccupy my mind. My temper grew shorter as toddler-tantrums began to spring up. Leftover baby weight seemed to multiple with every glance in the mirror. Our home needed more, but nothing we bought seemed to fit or to be enough. The lies began to build in my mind. I wasn't working hard enough. I wasn't patient enough. I wasn't fun enough. I wasn't a good enough Christian. I wasn't physically active enough. I didn't care enough. I wasn't organized enough. I wasn't...I wasn't...I wasn't...   The list continued to go on and on. My disappointment with myself began to effect how I treated my husband. After a long day at work, Justin often came home to hear my complaints and doubts. When he couldn't or wouldn't confirm my feelings, I turned to nit-picking his habits and my perceived shortcomings. How could he not question his efforts? Didn't he care? Of course he did. Unlike me though, he wasn't making list or rating himself against other men, other daddies. He was living. He was going and doing each day what was necessary, and loving the entire time. I envied how easily he seemed to be able to manage it all. I had planned and dreamed of this life for my entire life, and yet here I was feeling like I was failing. Why? I hated the things I would say. I regretted the words so quickly that I would oftentimes apologize as soon as I had said them. What I didn't say still plagued me and took my attention, making me distant. I told myself that if I could just sort my thoughts out though, that would fix everything. I knew to pray, but even my prayers felt half-hearted. The fear of God's answer, of his clarification, scared me almost as much as not knowing just what it was that was missing.  The funny thing about prayers is this though, even if we think that it is half-hearted, our Father knows our whole heart. He knows the deepest parts of it. While I thought my fear nearly out weighed my desire for help, God knew my heart's desire was stronger than my fear could ever be. He knew because He put those desires there Himself long before I even knew they were there. I had wanted to be a good wife and mother for as long as I could remember. I had planned and prayed and cried just waiting for my chance at this life I have now. No amount of planning and dreaming though had prepared me for actually being in these roles. While it is easy to check off the big moments (wedding day, that first positive pregnancy test, the day you deliver your baby, monthly milestones, first birthday party, etc.), it is a lot more difficult, and far more important, to actually live all of the days in between and all of the days to follow. Those are the moments of complete possibility- moments where you shine, you fall, you learn, you pray, you thrive as the person God wants you to be. It was something I hadn't realized in my time of waiting, and then of running to keep up with my big plans. I had missed how big God's plans for me were. Thankfully though, He knew I would. He knew I would fall. He knew I would come to Him for help, and He knew just what to do. Late in September, Justin was diagnosed with afib. They said it is pretty rare for someone his age to have it. Knowing what we know now about the symptoms and the effects they had on him, Justin thinks he had been dealing with it for easily ten years. At first, I thought I was prepared to handle the situation. I made new lists, canceled our big vacation, made arrangements for Reagan to stay with family while Justin had his procedure to correct it. While we weren't happy Justin was sick, we were glad of answers. The quick procedure to correct it was canceled though. We were given new questions, with answers that took months to confirm. The initial calm and readiness of being there for my family weakened. All of the what-ifs- the ones I had never thought I would have to fear- hit, and they hit hard. My husband's worries were unsatisfied by my assurances that everything would be okay. Even I worried I was wrong. My husband, my best friend, was scared and I wasn't enough to comfort him. On top of all of that, for the first time in months I could see how little my focus had been on my loved ones, and how much it had been on myself.  "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres."                                                                       - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 I wish I could say that I know this verse by heart. I've honestly read it enough that I should. We have at least two wedding gifts that state (in decorative form of course) probably half of those words. Nevertheless, who doesn't know at least the first sentence. When you are deep in thought about your convictions, questioning just how you have loved- if you have truly loved as God tells us to- you know the answer. After months of noise and crowded thoughts, I found silence in my head. No matter what was going on around me, the desires of my heart, the thoughts in my brain were falling into place. I realized what it was that I had been missing. I had not been loving fully.  Yes, I am a wife and mother. I am an essential part of my family. How I act- how I love, to be more specific- sets the tone for my family. Wrapped up in my own thoughts, making to-do lists full of things that do not matter, allowing doubts and lies to build up distracts from my real purpose in my family and it breaks it apart. It doesn't matter if I buy nice things, if they serve no purpose in our home. It doesn't matter if we plan a big vacation of exciting adventures, if we are only carrying unsettled issues along with us. It doesn't matter how many anniversaries and dates we make time for, if Justin and I are not communicating and working as a husband and wife every day. It doesn't matter if I log every milestone, take every picture, design every party if I am not loving in every other way to my sweet boy. It doesn't matter how many Grey's Anatomy episodes I watch or how many cups of coffee I sneak in if I am not finding true rest. It is doesn't matter which diet I choose or which exercise regiment I find if I am not being appreciative of the body God has given me and the work it has done all of the time.  Signing the marriage license, delivering a baby- these are moments. They are big moments, but they are truly just the starting lines. They alone do not make us good wives and mothers. Being a good wife and a good mother is being a loving one. This means being intentional.  Justin's health scare was the answer to a lot of questions. Obviously, it helped Justin with long-lingering health issues that he had. For me though, God used this time for His purpose. Our Father knows I am as hard-headed as I am selectively deaf and blind. If you want to convince me of something, you better be loud and you better have a heck of a case. When Justin was sick, I was quickly reminded how much I love him and how important he is to me. I felt the depth of importance my family has in my life. I saw how important my role is in their lives, and how much I had been failing them. All of the distractions I had allowed to take priority of my time, all of the energy I had given them, I saw clearly for the first time.  I do not ever want my loved ones to wonder if they were loved. I want my every word and action to be full of love. I want to be joyful in the work I have been given and intentional with my time. I don't want to spend our time together nit-picking my husband. I don't want to mark Reagan's toddler days as a bad era when every day (even the most trying) is filled with moments of sweetness and innocence that we will never have again. I don't want to be so consumed with how my body may look, that I miss all the productive and joyful work God has planned for it to do.   Our life is supposed to be one of purpose. Before, I wasn't fully loving, meaning I wasn't fully living. I allowed the distractions to become my focus, and I tried to solve the problem alone. Thankfully, God heard my prayers. One time, one hard period in life, opened my eyes and has helped me regain my focus and my drive.  I have made some changes in the last few months. They have been changes that have filled our home and our hearts with more joy. I am going to try to share some of the changes I am making, and the impact it is having, later. For now though, I am off to eat with my boys. Happy Weekend!