Season of Thankfulness

Obviously not me, but how pretty is this picture!

Am I the only one who feels like Thanksgiving has just ran up and surprised them? I swear that I was just wearing shorts and t-shirt last week, and now I am bundled in a sweater. Oh wait....that last part is true. Got to love fall in the south. No matter the weather, I am so ready for what is my second favorite holiday. Now don't laugh, but this is how I view this time of year. Remember playing Candyland when you were little? There was the really cute lollipop girl that was so bright and colorful that I just loved landed on her little house. Then there was the pretty ice princess character just past her. Win or loose- to land on her castle meant a good game for me. Those two characters are how I view Thanksgiving and Christmas. Thanksgiving is cheerful and exciting- lollipop girl. Christmas just cannot be beat though- ice princess. Like I said, please don't think I am crazy. I am just....nostalgic. :) Anyway, with Little Bit here now I am even more crazy for this time of year than before. Technically our first Thanksgiving was last year, but this year he will be so much more present that it just feels like a first. For most of my life, I have enjoyed the quiet Thanksgiving dinners in my parents home with only the 5 of us. Now that Justin and I are married though, we have his grandparents' house to visit as well. Both dinners are similar, but both matriarchs of the families cook completely different. You can't be tired of the Thanksgiving dinners because they are so unalike, and yet you get stuffed at both places. It is wonderful! Back to where I intended to go with this post though... There is so much I have to be thankful for this year. Of course it is the same for every year, but this year it feels especially so. This year has been perhaps one of the most trying that I can remember. There has been so much to celebrate; so many little first with Reagan, but also so much that has attempted to take away from that. I feel as though I have grown so much more within such a short time. I use to mark my growth by my rank at my job or my marital status. (No, definitely not a good idea.) This year though, as I sit here typing with a grateful heart, I can think of only how much we have overcome so far and how very much my heart has to be grateful for. In honor of our wonderful Thanksgiving holiday, I feel like sharing some of what I am most grateful for this year with you.  1. My husband- He may not always feel like it, or even see it yet, but he has become my rock. I have never been so dependent or so trusting of another person (outside of my family of course) as I have him. If I am having an off day and just can't pull it together, he notices. Better yet, he steps in to lift some of the weight so that I can pull myself together and get things back in order. When I have suddenly been sick (down and out a few times this year, y'all), he never complains about the poor timing or the struggle of caring for Reagan without help. He has hauled Reagan in his sleeper to more than one store in search of medicine for me and groceries to keep us going until I am back at work. He has even put his "husband foot" down a few times and made me rest or eat when I simply don't feel like I can. He has put his own bad days aside to hear out mine on occasion, and given me a few extra minutes of calm and attention when necessary even when we have a hundred other things to do. He has tried new projects (like putting up a faux wood wall) even when he knows we are little equipped with skill to do such a thing. Even better, when the project fails in the first few minutes and my frustration starts pouring out over the clock, he becomes the most positive go-getter I could ever find. He has paced with me through the house when troubling situations have come up, and he has supported me in every solution we have come up with. He has loved on our baby boy in such a way that my heart feels it might explode sometimes with all the love those two have for one another, and he has worked harder for us than I ever could have expected my husband to one day. Troubles have come, and they try so often to chip away at my safe place. They lie, as all troubles do, and tell him that he is not enough, that he is not strong, that he is not equipped. It brings me to tears every time. It also makes me more determined to fight for him, as he fights for me. I know God is working in him even when he doesn't see it; and you don't accept such a gift only to watch someone try to tear it apart. I am so grateful that I have the privilege of being his wife, and I pray that when we are old and grey that he can think of how much I have always loved him just as I will be thinking of how much he has loved me.  2. Reagan- Just when I think my heart is full to the brim, God pours in a little more love every day. Our angel baby is our most prized gift. Little Bit, if one day you read this, I pray you be reminded of just how long Mommy and Daddy have said you were gifted. You are surely beautiful with your red hair and blue eyes. Oh, and that smile is too much for any one of us. Still, sweet boy, your spirit brings Mommy and Daddy such joy. You have grown so quickly, and for all we may have tried to teach you, you exceed our teachings simply by showing us your own interest to learn. You watch without us knowing, and you listen without us realizing. You have already come to see the importance of helping and working- though that was something we were planning to hold out on for a couple more years. You have a fire in you, Little Bit. Good gracious, is it ever such a fire. You challenge us so much these days. While I so often express my surprise and frustration at your determination to do so, thinking alone I can admit it doesn't truly surprise me. When you do learn, and you always do, that your way is not always the best way, you take it to memory. When you see Mommy and Daddy are disappointed (which typically takes a standoff of sorts where you meet our eyes finally), you are so quick to drop the matter. Your entire face slowly softens, and you wave at us and say "Hi-d" in your calmest voice. Then you give us kisses and go on about your way. When you play too rough or accidentally move too quickly and fall on one of us, you stop instantly to give kisses and say only what we can assume is your 1 year old version of "Sorry". Sometimes you let your temper burn too bright, but you are having to learn (as everyone must) to brush it out as quickly as you see it. You are learning, and you will continue to learn no doubt, that your fight is not always worth it. My angel baby, I know you will one day fight for the right things though. Your heart is sweet and you want so much to learn, that I do not doubt you will learn the difference between good and bad soon enough and that you will take it to heart as you do everything else. Somehow, and I will never surely know how, you seem to always know when Mommy and Daddy are struggling on certain days. On those days, you play a little quieter, you give even more kisses, and you snuggle with us a little longer. Even when our world seems like it is crumbling at times, you bring Mommy and Daddy back to the promise in our lives. We love you so much, sweet boy. God has given us so much hope in this life, and so much of it seems already wrapped up in you. We know He has great things in store for you, Angel- so many, many great things for you. We pray you always see them, and that you always seek Him and His will for your life. You have truly been our angel baby and you always will be, Little Bit.  3. Family- I come from a very small family. Sure, plenty of extended family, but the only sure thing I have been able to count on in this world is my little family in which I have made 5- my daddy, my mother, my sister, and my brother. In that little family there has been so much hope and promise. Surely as I have seen it happen to Justin, trouble has always tried to chip away at these people that I love and care about the most. Nevertheless they pull through. My parents always told us that our family could not have worked if one of us was missing- they saw our purpose in it everyday (even when we had to have been the biggest pain in the butts some days (I should know, I had a spell there where I know I was)). It is so true. My sister is crazy, y'all. Okay, so that is what she will tell you. She is actually the most big-hearted person I will ever know. She would give her coat to her worst enemy if she even thought they were chilly. She hides it with fluent sarcasm, and boy will she have you dying with laughter. She is quick-witted, and even when she is afraid, she moves through life like nothing ever scares her. She does not like for anyone to be left out. Doesn't matter if she agrees with someone or not. She just says what she really thinks- like it or not- and attempts friendship just the same. For all the talk she has done, she really hates to be mean or be thought of as such (but people really shouldn't take advantage, because she has a temper). I admire her so much and often wish I were more like her.  My brother is a mixture. We definitely get along better now. Although older now I think I see where we probably always got along just fine. We have butted heads more often than my sister and I (and I have known her 5 years longer). The thing is, we have such high standards for each other. My sister is in on that too, but she will be silent rather than fight it out for long. My brother and I have gone to war over the stupidest things- heck, I don't even think he knows all the fights we have had anymore. Late night talks became our thing though. I honestly respect my brother. The fact he is younger doesn't matter. I cannot stand most teenagers, but it doesn't help that I compare them to him. My brother has always watched, always learned, always been kind-hearted...though sometimes more firey. He is so much like our daddy that I have to laugh sometimes. True story, y'all. They have the same mannerisms, same smile when they don't agree with someone, same voice. He is the most adorable thing ever in his new work uniform, with his cool composure. He tries to act so cool (albeit he is pretty cool), but he is such a sweetheart. He never quite pushes it with his joking and teasing because he never wants to hurt feelings. He always sends an encouraging text when he feels I am overwhelmed, or gives me an extra tight hug to remind me he is there for me. Y'all, my brother is the ultimate sweetheart. He gives me such hope every day that good men are still growing in our country.  If I had to choose the one woman I look up to the most, I would say without question that it is my mother. She is the strongest woman I know. She is also the most sincere. She is so gentle and kind, yet she moves through obstacles with the most unstoppable grace. I will always think my mother is beautiful, and not just because of her outward appearance. She is the most beautiful woman I will ever know because I have known her heart. I have rarely seen my mother cry, and when she has it always seems like such a blink of a moment. If she didn't tell me from time to time, I honestly don't think I would ever have known my mother to be afraid of anything. She never lets it stop her. The fact she has been so open and honest with me my whole life, makes me realize and respect just how strong she actually is. Her life has not been an easy one, but she is so full of joy. I will always want her hugs and kisses. I will always crave that warm home she has made- her personal touch to detail everywhere, and spicy scented candles filling every room. She has taught me how to make home anywhere; how to make the spaces we occupy truly beautiful (and not to worry over the latest trends). She has taught me that strength and beauty rest inside of a woman. She has even taught me to save the fire we have for the moments when we will need them most. I value my family so much, and my place within it, because she raised me everyday to respect the position of wife and mother no matter where life will take me. She does not judge me when I am weak, or when I make a mistake. She has been my teacher, and still sets the example I strive for. She listens to me just as she always has, and she encourages me to believe that it is always possible to do better and grow more. She loves on my baby, but never ever oversteps or overrides me as his mother. It is a simple thing to be sure, but funnily enough not common in our families. She has taught me sometimes it is more important, and more rewarding to humble myself, and not fight with those I love, and she has taught me to always fight for those we love and what we care about. I hope I can set the same example for my children that she has set for me.  My daddy is (sorry girls)- my daddy is the best. He will never say it. He will never believe it, but he is y'all. He set the bar high. He was the first man to love me. He was the first man to tell me that I am special and worth far more than what this world will ever value me at. His disappointment in me at times was more crushing and heart-reaching (yes, heart reaching) than his anger could ever have been. He never told me I was strong because I am a girl, but he always believed I was strong because I was me- special, one-of-a-kind, handmade by God me. I have fought him tooth and nail much of my life about how weak I have felt and how unprepared I have been. He NEVER let up- not one stinking time. He has pushed me to my breaking point, and smiled knowingly as I surprised myself (but not him) with how I pulled myself back up. Though he never got into the romantic dreams of my heart (meeting my husband one day/boyfriends/crushes), he sure replaced my faith in the future plans God had for me when I would let it fall. So many, many, MANY times I have heard his voice in difficult times. He has been my silent strength. He has given me warnings, let me fall when I ignored said warnings. and held my hand as I get back up each time. He is so quiet, but so passionate about what he believes in. Goodness, do not get him wound up. He may not be a man of many words, but he sure does make each one count. When he speaks, you do not forget the meaning or the feelings behind them. He has already been everything and more that he promised to be as a grandfather. I cannot imagine our angel baby without his Pops and Juju.  I have had the privilege of watching my parents grow together for most of their marriage. Yes, I missed a few years, but what I have seen has often left me in awe. I have watched plans become reality, and hard work pay off. I have watched value decrease in worldly matters, and the value in family skyrocket. I have learned to always keep advancing, and never let a moment of weakness become a lifestyle. I have watched the family they have built gather around the family I am now being allowed to build. I am reminded every day how blessed I am to be a part of the family I am in- whether in good times or bad.  Justin's grandparents raised him. They stepped in and took the reigns when no one else would. They have loved him his entire life. They have been there for him before I ever could. They have listened when we have had trouble with other members of his family, and they have encouraged us to stay strong. They have even stood by us a time or two. They are the closest family Justin has on his side. When Justin was in the hospital a few months ago, they quickly changed their schedule to watch Reagan for us. It was a decision that was not easy for us. Though we worried about their age and keeping up with a one year old, they never once complained and truly helped us out those 2 days. Reagan was loved on and spoiled rotten by the time I got him each afternoon. It was certainly one bit of worry we didn't have to have. 4. Friends- Justin and I haven't many friends. We mostly keep to ourselves. We have several acquaintances, though mine have dwindled with time. Friends are something so sweet and so intimate though that we consider very few as such. Through all this trouble we have been dealt lately, I have been reminded how humbling it is to have such sweet spirits to call on in times like these for extra prayers. Sometimes in worrying, I haven't prayed as I should. Sometimes in worrying I haven't been able to be as strong as I'd like. Our sweet people have rallied with us though- encouraged us, prayed for us and our families, and reminded me that there is most certainly a light at the end of the tunnel. If they are reading this, they know who they are. Their thoughts and prayers have not been wasted on us, and we will forever be grateful for the love they have shown us. From encouraging verses from their morning devotions forwarded our way, to texts just to check-in and let us know they remember us...it has all been so very much appreciated. They have greatly reminded us how blessed we are to know each of them and to have them in our lives.  5. Good people- Y'all, I am not going to lie. I am not a people person. When I worked with people, I often said that people were what made my job ridiculously hard. I am not into buttheads, jerks...entitled attitudes basically. Having a paycheck held over your head and being reminded of what would happen if I straightened a few common facts out with such people made it all the more difficult to handle. I am still finding that there is always something to loose when dealing with such people, so I have to weigh my options carefully. While Justin's doctor may be skilled (and he better be), if he were not the only one in the area who could do what Justin's needs done, we would most likely have walked out by now. I have never been put off for so long, especially not by someone who is supposed to care for you. The waiting has been the absolute worst part of this whole chapter in our life. That said, we have met some really good people- "common decency" people. We may meet them at random, but I can tell you that as of right now each one's face is etched in my brain. They have surpassed fake smiles and telling Reagan hi in a quiet waiting room. I am talking about the people who have looked at us and treated us as people- real, live, human beings- be our meeting ever so brief. Nurses who have thought to bring me a meal with Justin's because they see and know that I would sooner risk getting sick myself than leave his side. Strangers who have seen we are lost in the hospital and stop to offer help and walk us in the correct direction while making conversation. Nurses who have actually cared for the most important man in my and my son's life- not just popped in an iv and checked in once every few hours. People who have seen through our strong attitudes to our heart's fears and worries. It is sad, but common decency is not so common anymore. These people though, these random angels, have reminded us that it is still very much alive nonetheless. Their example is stirring a stronger desire in myself to remember that we each have purpose in other's lives. It is not simply to preach, but to live by example- to love on one another and show true, honest, unabashed kindness.  6. Faith- I have called myself a Christian since I was 10. I never really questioned it. I know what I know, and that has seemed good enough. God is good. Satan is bad. Jesus has saved me. I am ashamed to say I have taken those facts for granted for awhile now. After all of this, I am no longer just saying any of this. God is good. He is all-powerful. He does not loose. He does not make mistakes. He does not forget us. He does not leave us. Satan is the most horrible being there is. He is manipulative and by far the best liar there is or will ever be. He knows my weaknesses and plays on them relentlessly. Jesus has saved me. He has given His all, and continues to love on me in spite of my shortcomings. His gentleness, His grace, has warmed me inside and out on the worst days. When I have run out of strength, I find security and strength in Him. If not for my faith, the future would be horribly uncertain and life would be overwhelming. I could not do life without it. I could not survive on worldly promises and dreamy plans. All of that is man-made and flawed. It will inevitably fall through, and I would be left with nothing. Though my plans do not always come out the way I want, God's plan is detailed and perfect. Trusting it is sometimes hard because I have a bit of a control issue. He knows this though. He knows it because He created me. He knows my weaknesses, and always sees me through nonetheless. The love and comfort I find in Him is humbling and wonderful and, well, just overall AWESOME.  Justin and I have been dealt some hardships. Everyone has and it will continue as such for a time. It is hard. It is hard to deal with the hardship itself. It is hard to deal with the unfairness of it all. It is hard to find the joy when all you really want to do is cry out in frustration. Truthfully, I have been angry. The angry you read about of the men in the bible, and then think to yourself how stupid they were and how you will NEVER do that. Yep, that kind of stupid is in me. Oh, I catch myself about as quickly as it makes its way to the surface, but it has been there nonetheless. I am tired of trouble. I am tired of old ghosts, and new ghosts, and health problems that keep popping up, and especially doctors that do not put a step on it. I wanted this holiday season to be spent making fun memories, no trouble, Justin completely healthy, and doting on our angel baby during our favorite time of year. You know- the whole picturesque Christmas scene. Obviously it will not be that simple for us this year, but it is not impossible. We are still capable of making fun memories, and Justin's health issue is not so bad as so many others. It is actually a blessing to find out about his afib this early on, rather than when we are older. It has bothered him for some time, but now he can actually pinpoint what it is causing the trouble. Our sweet boy will always have our love and attention. As for old ghosts and new, I am caring less and less about them all of the time. I am trying to devote more time and energy to those I love and fight the battles that really matter. I am seeing things differently, more strongly. I certainly am more appreciative of what we do have. This chapter is bringing us closer together and closer to our faith. It is bringing out the best and worst of all of us, and we are taking note and thinking long and hard about it. Even in difficult times, there is so much joy to be had. This chapter in our lives will soon be over. There will be others, we are certain, that are just as difficult, more or less. One fact remains, love will prevail. God will see us through just as He has seen us through in the past. This is true for all of us, sweet friends.    With all of that said (sorry for the length), I wish y'all the happiest of Thanksgivings be it with friends, family, or sweet strangers. May you find as much joy in your life as you possibly can and with grateful hearts gather around the table to enjoy our day of Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving!