It's not often that I stop and take in what my life looks like these days. Holding my son (who willingly crawled to me to sit in my lap just now), I have to smile as I look at my work-space.
Not so very long ago in this very same space, I wondered and sometimes feared my life would never come to this. I spent my days waiting for Justin to get home, distracting myself with obvious cleaning and home decorating projects. and building my blog. At this time two years ago, nearly every day, I broke down in tears at some point and cried aloud a prayer for the want that most pulled at my heart. I knew then just as I know now that there are others who have it worse; who must wait longer. Even so, when want feels your heart as it did mine, you sympathize with those women, but you also fear you may become one yourself. I do not doubt God. I do not doubt that He will provide for me- for my family. I do not question that He hears my prayers or remembers me. I know He is good. I know His plan for me is good. At the same time, my faith requires me to acknowledge all things He tells us to be true. One truth that brings such hope and yet is often VERY hard for me to accept is that our Father hears our prayers, but answers with what He knows is best. He gives us not only what he wants us to have, but what we need and He never entrusts us with more than we can handle. My fear two years ago was not that I was forgotten or unheard, but that I was not trusted with what I wanted most in this life- a family of my own. While Justin was encouraging, never faulting me or becoming fearful, his support and love was not enough to calm the storms I had allowed to build up in my heart. Since marrying him my want for a baby had changed. I no longer thought of having a baby to simply please myself because I would finally be a mommy, but I knew children would make him happy as a daddy. To love and be loved- "the more the merrier" was my thought process. I never faulted my husband as possibly being the reason God had not yet answered our prayers for a baby. I knew in my heart that there was something I was missing. There was something- a lesson- our Father was trying to teach me in the waiting.
Months passed. Our life continuously changed. We were dealt other family matters that required so many conversations, so much of our daily lives, that it was physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. (Yeah, our 1st year of marriage was not a honeymoon.) We realized how much we needed each other and depended on one another. We realized that not everyone in life will allow you to simply live life. After one sudden, somewhat anticipated "storm", our life began to still. Not in a bad way- it was a peaceful, calm still. Experience required us (and still requires us) to be alert and aware that such storms may return. At the same time, we slowly realized we could continue to hold onto the life we imagined and had wanted together. A little over a month later, we became pregnant.
I can look back and easily say that perhaps it was the food we were eating or all of the coffee I drank each day. I could more easily point the finger at the main cause of concern and stress in our lives. After having our son, my doctor confirmed that there was no physical reason we had not become pregnant any sooner. The truth is though, God loves me too much.
Before the tears began and the countless daily prayers started, I had thought having a baby would be easy. I had simply thought because I was married and I wanted a baby, I would obviously have a baby. I prayed simply in the beginning- without true conviction or realization that I prayed to the only One that could give us our baby. In spite of my arrogance, my self-satisfying want, my belief that I have control over more than just the choices I make in my life- our Father still heard me out. He heard me and He waited patiently for me to understand. This wasn't the first time He has had to help me see who I am and remind me of who He knows I can be. Still, He repeated this lesson again for me. Waiting humbled me. I was reminded that I am allowed to control only so much. I was reminded of the One that I am truly dependent on. My heart was hopeful and excited on more than one occasion, only to be broken more than once by a negative pregnancy test. I researched so much information, and yet was reminded of how very little I know. I was so hurt not to be trusted that I had to stop and reevaluate how I was living- not only my day to day choices, but my actions, my thoughts, my feelings. I was reminded of how much I am loved and supported by my husband and family, and yet how much I depend on my Father's love and support. I was shown how weak I am as a woman, as a wife, as a Christian. I was reminded Who gives me my strength. Only a father who truly loves his daughter would put aside her want-filled cries in order to heal the source of her pain first. There is no father who can do this better (even though I am blessed with a daddy here on earth who is REALLY good at following His example) than my Father in heaven.
In the end, my heart was so full of hope, of want, of love for the little boy that we have been given that my heart is still overflowing. That positive pregnancy test did not cease my prayers. It did not erase the pain or the fear or the want that I had experienced in that year of waiting. That is a time, while difficult, I pray I never forget. It made me thankful. It brought me closer to where I need to be. It reminded me of where I want to be not only as a daughter or a wife, but as a mother. I didn't say one simple prayer, go to sleep one night, and wake up with a baby the next morning. I had to pray openly and honestly. I had to accept the things I could not change and work on my mistakes. I had to focus on what was and not simply on what I wanted to be.
I wake up every morning, and as crazy as life has become, I still remember those days of waiting as if they were yesterday. It is all too easy to get frustrated in the explosive, unexpected diapers and the teething tantrums that we all hate. Thankfully, it takes the briefest moment, the smallest smile, the quickest grin, to remind me how precious these days are. I catch myself cheering because my son can blow spit bubbles or says what sounds like "Hi!" and I remember the worry that I may never have known these moments. I am grateful- truly grateful- for this life. It is a life of dirty diapers, spit up on good clothes, and so much slobber that you would think we poured water on our baby and ourselves before leaving the house. It is a life of late nights just so we can enjoy quiet time alone, and being woken up at all hours of the night because my baby wants to eat while he sleeps (who doesn't really?). It is a life where the smallest things can bring tears or smiles for both Reagan and Mommy and Daddy. It is a life where the present can be both exhausting and yet so full of excitement at any given second in the day. Most importantly, it is a life of love- pure, unconditional, overflowing, makes your chest swell at times, love.
So, this is what my day looks like now...at some point. My Simplified Planner allows me to track what our real schedule looks like every day. It allows me to make daily lists, and be reminded that I do accomplish tasks on days when I feel useless. My notebook is full of the bigger projects, such as Reagan's 1st birthday party that I've already started planning. The laptop, well, the laptop is used for blogging, baby shopping, and building a photo book of our 1st year as a family. As you can see though, my coffee cup is hidden (but at least there was coffee today), there are apple cinnamon puffs within easy reach, and there is a bib and burp cloth ready to go because I am no longer an amateur. This is where I spend most of my quiet time or any minutes where Little Bit is happy to play alone two feet away from me on the floor. I love my new work space and the life that has come with it!
