Choosing Grace Not Perfection

"Grace Not Perfection"                              -Emily Ley Such a simple thought, and yet it is this quote that has helped me to change the way I live my life as a woman, as a wife, and as a mommy. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a wife and a mommy. When these two roles didn't fall into place as quickly as I'd hoped, I had to refocus a bit and work harder on simply becoming the woman I wanted to be. I thought that within that time I had learned a lot about myself. Actually, I thought that I had learned everything. With marriage came new responsibilities; a new role, and I loved it. Even with the love and happiness that came with finally being a wife, I quickly became overwhelmed. No, it wasn't cooking dinner or cleaning the apartment that had my mind scrambling. Instead, it was the unexpected- the good and the bad that suddenly found their way into my daily life. It was time that I hadn't planned for and often was learning how to handle that left me feeling as though I had missed out on something on those days. I would try to make up for lost time, but I always felt as though my efforts weren't enough. Fast forward to last year. Leaving work for a few months and then returning again had given me a grateful heart. Knowing I was pregnant and that in a few short months I would finally find my work where my heart truly is made me excited. I imagined all of the perfect days I would build in our home. I would manage it all. It would all be so amazing, and this time I would get it right. Little did I know that this thought process was so very flawed.  It was two weeks into motherhood that I snatched up an old notebook from my desk. Justin had bought it a few months before we were married. We had each used it a time or two for grocery lists and such, but it was nothing of great importance. On that night though, that notebook helped me gain some sanity. I quickly scribbled out a to-do list for the month. It was nothing fantastic or earth shattering, but all of it important in my mind. For the next three months, I made out these lists. I would check tasks off, add new ones, carry a couple over into the next month. It was in these moments of planning that I felt myself catching my breath. I soon realized that I wanted to start the new year off with a bang (of sorts). I had never realized how dependent I had become on schedules and charts and lists until I started staying at home with our baby. I never realized how much clarity and sanity I gained from them. I remember how grateful I was when Justin admitted he hadn't noticed anything amiss in our daily life or in how I took care of our family or our home. At the same time, I noticed the mess and saw the everyday chores and work slipping through my hands. That was just the house. In the first four months of being a mommy I had realized that babies like routines and schedules too. Even though I had planned to let my daily routine fall around our ever-changing baby boy, I had also come to realize that he himself was on a schedule. Whether it be feedings or naps or even playtime, he had one and it changed only slightly every month or two. I told Justin I wanted to get it together. I wanted to run our home the way I had always imagined; the way I had promised myself I would. It was with this in mind that I came across the "perfect" planner.  After a night of catching up on my favorite blogs, I noticed one blogger had mentioned a great new planner she was using. One site led to another and I found myself on Emily Ley's website. Her planners were colorful, slightly vintage, and, dare I say it, the prettiest planner I had ever seen. I clicked through each link studying the pages and debating on just how well this planner would work for me. It was not in my typical WalMart planner price range, and because I had held and failed to use many a planner before I did hesitate to show the planner to Justin. Still, something inside of me just knew that this one would be different. I searched the site to understand better where my money was going. I find it easy to walk away from a purchase that goes to a cause I can't support or a person I don't like, however Emily Ley was different. In the midst of watching her story on the site, I ran across this one quote- "Grace Not Perfection". I suddenly realized that this was a cause I could get behind. 

Days before New Years, I pulled out my new planner. Unlike others in the past, this one actually comes with instructions. I remember Reagan was napping and Justin was enjoying a good game, so I sat quietly at the bar in the kitchen and eagerly followed the first steps to enjoying my new planner. It was nothing difficult. There were the obvious steps like writing in birthdays and anniversaries. There were also instructions on writing out for myself what really matters in my life. It is such a "duh" thing to do, right? Wrong. It is the most worth while thing to do. It was as I sat writing out the most important people in my life, the most important things I hope to achieve in my life, that I realized the most important moments in my life that I don't want to miss. I suddenly realized that this pretty, and perfect, little book would soon be filled with ideas and plans and schedules...and scribbles, and marks, and perhaps even a mishap or two. I realized that the daily life I imagined for my family and my home, while attainable, is one of the last things I would want in reality. I could plan every day minute by minute and I could live every day exactly according to schedule. My husband would support me and our children would learn to follow our example, but where in all of those days was there real, genuine happiness? For instance, how do you schedule a tickle fight and know that it truly reached its full potential? How do you mop up rainwater that sneaks into your home unexpectedly and still manage to enjoy your baby's bath time and his last feeding for the night without drowning in stress? How do you teach your children to set goals for themselves but to adjust to the unexpected with understanding and the same sense of calm that they would if their plans had remained unchanged? That is where grace and not perfection comes into play. 

Because there just isn't enough room in the top of the buggy.

For the last four months, I have planned weekly dinners, planned dinner on the day of, scratched out dinner and written in a last minute plan. I have scratched through chores and tasks that aren't completed the day I wanted and added other projects I didn't think I would have time for. I've written countless of Reagan's firsts down in the bottom section of each page titled "Notes". I've enjoyed remembering each week as I search through memories for some of the best to add in on Saturday's page for "A happy memory from this week". I've learned not to panic so much when the unexpected happens, and not to be so attached to my original plans. I've learned to enjoy more of the everyday moments that surprise you simply by being part of your day (ex. late mornings just to snuggle with my baby, longer lunches to let Reagan try new foods, longer nights just watching tv with my husband, etc.).  I still go to bed at night with new ideas and scratching on my notepad so I don't forget to add a task to my planner in the morning. I don't go to bed feeling at a loss anymore though. I don't wonder what I missed, because I am too busy thinking of what I enjoyed. I go to bed thankful for what was, instead of missing what could have been. I am living my life in a new way- a better way, in my mind. Perfection is different things to different people. The standards to achieve such perfection is something we all set ourselves. As a woman, as a wife, as a mommy- the standard of perfection to me is something I've set so high that I would actually have to give up more than I have to offer just to reach it. This doesn't mean that I don't still set goals for myself or that I consider myself an A+ wife and mommy. (I am only 2 1/2 years into marriage and 8 months into motherhood- please!) I have lived most of my adult life with the understanding that I can always do better and that I should always work harder. Choosing to work harder and be better at holding myself to a standard of grace rather than perfection though, is worth far more to me than planning and playing the perfect roles. Grace to me is living life, not playing a role, for what life really is. It is accepting reality for all that is and accepting this life that God has for me with all of His plans and expectations coming first and mine just fitting in where they fit in or going away because they were never a great idea to begin with. I still get worked up from time to time (I'm not perfect), but I don't hang on to it. I try to remind myself of the good in the situation, and overall I feel better. This also doesn't mean that I plan on laying back gracefully while Reagan runs wild and raises himself. It just means I am going to put all of the stress and hard work into where it matters most, like teaching our children the difference between right and wrong. It is all about living life intentionally.

"When did we get this?!?!?"

The Simplified Planner comes with a keepsake box especially for your planner. While I did question this luxury at first, I have to admit that this little book has been so open to my honest day to day plans and living that I am thankful to have the option for safe keeping when I am through with it. Days come and go so quickly that it is impossible (at least for me) to keep up with them all. I wish I could remember all of the good things that come and go in each month, but I just can't. This little book has saved them all for me so far. On days when I feel like I have accomplished little to nothing lately, I just turn back a few days and am reminding of what life has been. It reminds me to be thankful and not let myself become so full of doubt and worry. This habit in itself is in my nature, but you add being a wife and a mommy to it and it will inevitably happen. For me when this happens, I know that I need a quick fix, a swift kick in the derriere, to get me going again and focusing back on what really matters. This is where reviewing my planner comes in.  Feeding Reagan new foods is never going to look like the perfect Pinterest pictures I see. Feeding Reagan new foods is going to be very messy. It is going to require bath time to be moved up earlier in the day and it is going to require more patience than I thought I had. It is going to require me to look past the banana in his hair, the strawberry filling on his new pajamas, and the oatmeal in his eyebrows (no exaggeration here) to see so much more. It is in these moments I have found my son's curiosity appeased, his excitement released in proud smiles and giggles, and I know how happy he is with me because I am spending quality time with him. He doesn't care if bath time is early; in fact he LOVES baths. Everything, every bit of mess, is fixable and cleanable. At the end of the day, I can mark it up as an achievement for my sweet boy and be proud. 

Blueberry and oatmeal- yum!

Okay, so I definitely got off track with that last bit. We are pretty proud in this house about eating big boy food and feeding ourselves. Sorry, ladies! I say all of this to explain how my choosing to hold myself to a standard of grace and not perfection is a decision I wish I had made a long time ago. If you are looking for a new planner, or a great home binder, or...whatever (anything with paper really) Emily Ley is where you might want to look first. Her new designs are out now and she is taking orders for her August 2016-2017 planners May 11th. Sadly, I have to wait until September to order my next one because I need the January 2017 one. That is okay though, because I am struggling to decide between the fushia polka dots and her new floral pattern. My polka dot loving heart though will probably win out though!