Moment of Honesty- (Remembering a Time of Waiting)

It's not often that I stop and take in what my life looks like these days. Holding my son (who willingly crawled to me to sit in my lap just now), I have to smile as I look at my work-space.

Not so very long ago in this very same space, I wondered and sometimes feared my life would never come to this. I spent my days waiting for Justin to get home, distracting myself with obvious cleaning and home decorating projects. and building my blog. At this time two years ago, nearly every day, I broke down in tears at some point and cried aloud a prayer for the want that most pulled at my heart. I knew then just as I know now that there are others who have it worse; who must wait longer. Even so, when want feels your heart as it did mine, you sympathize with those women, but you also fear you may become one yourself. I do not doubt God. I do not doubt that He will provide for me- for my family. I do not question that He hears my prayers or remembers me. I know He is good. I know His plan for me is good. At the same time, my faith requires me to acknowledge all things He tells us to be true. One truth that brings such hope and yet is often VERY hard for me to accept is that our Father hears our prayers, but answers with what He knows is best. He gives us not only what he wants us to have, but what we need and He never entrusts us with more than we can handle. My fear two years ago was not that I was forgotten or unheard, but that I was not trusted with what I wanted most in this life- a family of my own. While Justin was encouraging, never faulting me or becoming fearful, his support and love was not enough to calm the storms I had allowed to build up in my heart. Since marrying him my want for a baby had changed. I no longer thought of having a baby to simply please myself because I would finally be a mommy, but I knew children would make him happy as a daddy. To love and be loved- "the more the merrier" was my thought process. I never faulted my husband as possibly being the reason God had not yet answered our prayers for a baby. I knew in my heart that there was something I was missing. There was something- a lesson- our Father was trying to teach me in the waiting.  Months passed. Our life continuously changed. We were dealt other family matters that required so many conversations, so much of our daily lives, that it was physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. (Yeah, our 1st year of marriage was not a honeymoon.) We realized how much we needed each other and depended on one another. We realized that not everyone in life will allow you to simply live life. After one sudden, somewhat anticipated "storm", our life began to still. Not in a bad way- it was a peaceful, calm still. Experience required us (and still requires us) to be alert and aware that such storms may return. At the same time, we slowly realized we could continue to hold onto the life we imagined and had wanted together. A little over a month later, we became pregnant.  I can look back and easily say that perhaps it was the food we were eating or all of the coffee I drank each day. I could more easily point the finger at the main cause of concern and stress in our lives. After having our son, my doctor confirmed that there was no physical reason we had not become pregnant any sooner. The truth is though, God loves me too much.  Before the tears began and the countless daily prayers started, I had thought having a baby would be easy. I had simply thought because I was married and I wanted a baby, I would obviously have a baby. I prayed simply in the beginning- without true conviction or realization that I prayed to the only One that could give us our baby. In spite of my arrogance, my self-satisfying want, my belief that I have control over more than just the choices I make in my life- our Father still heard me out. He heard me and He waited patiently for me to understand. This wasn't the first time He has had to help me see who I am and remind me of who He knows I can be. Still, He repeated this lesson again for me. Waiting humbled me. I was reminded that I am allowed to control only so much. I was reminded of the One that I am truly dependent on. My heart was hopeful and excited on more than one occasion, only to be broken more than once by a negative pregnancy test. I researched so much information, and yet was reminded of how very little I know. I was so hurt not to be trusted that I had to stop and reevaluate how I was living- not only my day to day choices, but my actions, my thoughts, my feelings. I was reminded of how much I am loved and supported by my husband and family, and yet how much I depend on my Father's love and support. I was shown how weak I am as a woman, as a wife, as a Christian. I was reminded Who gives me my strength. Only a father who truly loves his daughter would put aside her want-filled cries in order to heal the source of her pain first. There is no father who can do this better (even though I am blessed with a daddy here on earth who is REALLY good at following His example) than my Father in heaven.  In the end, my heart was so full of hope, of want, of love for the little boy that we have been given that my heart is still overflowing. That positive pregnancy test did not cease my prayers. It did not erase the pain or the fear or the want that I had experienced in that year of waiting. That is a time, while difficult, I pray I never forget. It made me thankful. It brought me closer to where I need to be. It reminded me of where I want to be not only as a daughter or a wife, but as a mother. I didn't say one simple prayer, go to sleep one night, and wake up with a baby the next morning. I had to pray openly and honestly. I had to accept the things I could not change and work on my mistakes. I had to focus on what was and not simply on what I wanted to be.  I wake up every morning, and as crazy as life has become, I still remember those days of waiting as if they were yesterday. It is all too easy to get frustrated in the explosive, unexpected diapers and the teething tantrums that we all hate. Thankfully, it takes the briefest moment, the smallest smile, the quickest grin, to remind me how precious these days are. I catch myself cheering because my son can blow spit bubbles or says what sounds like "Hi!" and I remember the worry that I may never have known these moments. I am grateful- truly grateful- for this life. It is a life of dirty diapers, spit up on good clothes, and so much slobber that you would think we poured water on our baby and ourselves before leaving the house. It is a life of late nights just so we can enjoy quiet time alone, and being woken up at all hours of the night because my baby wants to eat while he sleeps (who doesn't really?). It is a life where the smallest things can bring tears or smiles for both Reagan and Mommy and Daddy. It is a life where the present can be both exhausting and yet so full of excitement at any given second in the day. Most importantly, it is a life of love- pure, unconditional, overflowing, makes your chest swell at times, love.  So, this is what my day looks like now...at some point. My Simplified Planner allows me to track what our real schedule looks like every day. It allows me to make daily lists, and be reminded that I do accomplish tasks on days when I feel useless. My notebook is full of the bigger projects, such as Reagan's 1st birthday party that I've already started planning. The laptop, well, the laptop is used for blogging, baby shopping, and building a photo book of our 1st year as a family. As you can see though, my coffee cup is hidden (but at least there was coffee today), there are apple cinnamon puffs within easy reach, and there is a bib and burp cloth ready to go because I am no longer an amateur. This is where I spend most of my quiet time or any minutes where Little Bit is happy to play alone two feet away from me on the floor. I love my new work space and the life that has come with it! 

7 Month Birthday!

Happy 7 Month Birthday, Sweet Boy!  The days are truly flying by us. You have been so busy lately. Now that you are such a big boy, you have started to get on a better schedule with Mommy and Daddy. For the last 2 weeks, you have started going to bed a couple of hours before us. We are SO proud of you. You started to slip around the barrier pillows in our bed the other night, so Daddy has started putting you in your bed for those first few hours. You do NOT like your bed at bedtime as much as you do ours, but we know that you will warm up to it soon. 

You are still enjoying your big boy food and have even started to try snack foods. Your favorites are Gerber Puffs and Crunchies. You have liked the crunchies better for most of the last month because they are longer and easier for your precious, chubby hands to hold. Earlier this week, you learned how to pick up your puffs and feed them to yourself. You are so proud of yourself. After each bite, you wait for Mommy and Daddy to cheer before waving your arms and bouncing on your butt. It is one of the most precious things Mommy has ever seen.  After your last doctor's appointment, your doctor told Mommy and Daddy that you are now big enough for your very own yogurt. Mommy was not so sure you would enjoy it, but you LOVE it. Even if you are not in the mood for your cereal in the morning, you will always take a yogurt. It is super messy, but adorable. 

You have started to enjoy your very own shows in the mornings. You don't take much interest in the tv, except when Mickey Mouse Clubhouse comes on. No matter what you are doing, when you hear Mickey Mouse's song come on, you stop to watch your show. It is sweet, sweet, sweet! You typically watch it while eating your breakfast in the morning, and sometimes just before your noon nap. You still enjoy scooting around the floor on your little butt, but you are also attempting to crawl. You are very good at getting up on all fours to reach your toys. You can scoot backwards, but haven't figured out how to move forward yet. You LOVE for Mommy to hold your hands so you can stand and walk. Sometimes, you even attempt to let go to walk, but you are not quite ready for that yet. You are still just as curious as ever. Now that you have become more mobile, you are more than happy to go after whatever peaks your interest (like the cable box). You are still in love with computers, remotes, and everyone's cellphones. I have a feeling that that will never go away. You are VERY much your daddy's son, sweet boy.

This last week we had a terrible storm come through our area. Because of all of the rain we had (and some very full ditches) some of the rainwater came into our house. You were so patient with Mommy while I cleaned up that day. Just when we thought it was over, one more giant puddle came into the house just after your afternoon nap. Even though you were hungry, teething, and wanted to play, you sat in your highchair and watched Mommy and Daddy while we cleaned up the mess together. You were ready with smiles each and every time we looked up at you. You have no idea how much of a helper you were that day, Angel Baby. Mommy and Daddy are very thankful for you.

Reagan, Mommy and Daddy are so proud of all you have learned to do this last month. You are keeping us on our toes. We love watching and playing with you, Little Bit. You are such a happy baby and such a big boy. We can not believe it has already been 7 months since we met our sweet boy. So much has happened since then and you have grown so much in such a short amount of time. We can not wait to see what you have in store for us next, Little Bit. Mommy and Daddy love you, Reagan.

Life Lately!

Today is a day I have dreamed about for a long time, y'all. 

I love our sweet boy, I truly do. I love being a mommy and a wife. The fact that Justin works so hard so that we are not only taken care of, but so that I may stay at home is truly a blessing. Still, the days are not always easy and the perfectly scheduled days I imagined having one day have more often than not seemed a far-fetched dream. I knew the days would be crazy after having Reagan, and I knew a schedule would be highly unlikely. Knowing and living it though are two very different things. As Reagan has gotten older, Justin and I have both adjusted as we think we need to- not stressing to force a schedule. While Justin has been incredibly patient, never letting lack of routine upset him, I have not handled it so well. My parents once said that I appear to thrive on schedule. They were so, so, SO right. If I have learned anything about myself in the last 6 months, it is that I am more flexible than I ever imagined. At the same time, my want for some sort of consistency, a routine of any kind, has often kept me awake at night. 

With some bewilderment, and sweet patience, Justin heard me through much of November and December talk of this renewed consistency of living I imagined. I found a pretty great (& pretty beautiful) planner online. The fact it was created and designed by a fellow mommy I felt I could relate to really sold it to me. I have never been so happy for a planner in all of my life, but nevertheless I was thrilled to have it by Christmas. I will have to brag about it more in a later post. I mention it simply to say this- as I waited anxiously to use it, I skimmed through its pages. At the top of each day there are inspirational quotes and verses. One such quote is from the creator of the planner herself. "Grace Not Perfection"- Emily Ley Those words really hit me. Even in my want for schedules, routine, consistency I had remained patient just in the first few months of parenthood, reminding myself of our sweet boy's young age and dependency all along. I can't help that I consistently search for what I can do better or what I may be missing. I can't really even help my want for some normality again. Still, I realized right then and there as I read those words that no matter how knowledgeable I was of our day to day life, no matter what schedule I attempted to create, our life would never reach this "perfect" schedule I dream of. IF it did, would it really be an enjoyable life for my family? Probably not. I thought of my mother and how she always seemed to have it together. Then I considered how often we probably threw her day off with colds and childish fights and schoolwork and conversation (just to name a few distractions). I suddenly realized my mom lived the very words I was so inspired by in that moment. 

I have used my planner honestly. I have scratched out what does not get done when I plan without disappointment. I have learned not to schedule too much in one day, and what "too much for one day" actually is. These days I use it more so as a much needed reminder of what I have accomplished so far on days when I feel like I have gotten nothing done. I use it to remind me of the special things that pass each week- Reagan eats his first banana cookie, Justin got a new job, our first family trip to the park. 

Yummy- a smurf! (or Mommy's blueberry and pear)

I still lay awake at night and review the past day. I still compare it to the other days before it, searching for any similarities. I don't make up schedules though and expect it to work exactly. I pay attention to reality. It is accepting what is actually happening and needed in our life that helps me the most. For instance, last Thursday after climbing into bed exhausted and slightly frustrated, I laid there thinking. For the last month Reagan has cried EVERY night from the time it gets dark until the time I climb into bed beside him. I tried adjusting naps. I tried feeding him more. No matter what though, every night was the same. It was Thursday night it hit me though. Maybe our sweet boy had changed his schedule. Anyone who decides not to put their baby on an exact schedule when they bring them home, will still notice babies create a schedule of their own. The problem from when Reagan was 2 months and changing his schedule and 6 months changing it, is that he no longer falls asleep when he is tired and eats when he is hungry. He now cries. He cries because I should have known without him telling me. I missed this though. I overlooked the signs that he no longer could stay up later with Justin and I. With this in mind, I suggested to Justin that we try a new bedtime routine. Y'all, we have only done it 3 nights so far and life has been AMAZING!

Finished my chalkboard wall after naptime Friday! Naptime=Happy Baby=Time for Mommy's projects!

The first night (Friday) was a little tricky. I tried nursing him in our bed until he fell asleep. He fell asleep fast, but it took me 15 minutes to sneak out of the bed. (Babies have mommy-dars for real.) By the time I made it into the living room, Justin and I were so tired from laying in our bed in the dark that we could only sit on the couch and watch Jimmy Fallon. Considering we hadn't been able to watch it in months without hopping up to catch a toy or pick Reagan up though, this was a fun night in itself. 

Love our new baby monitor!

Saturday went better. The only problem was that we were out all day. He had woken up early that morning with Justin, which always excites him. Then we had a family party to go to, and then shopping, and then another stop at Justin's grandparents to drop off something. All of the running around, being passed between so many people, and going in and out of the carseat had made naps impossible. By the time we tried to settle in for the night, he was one angry baby. He was tired, though he wouldn't dare admit it. In spite of his efforts to relax and go to sleep, he was still wound up and that was our fault. He eventually fell onto Justin's shoulder and gave in. Justin had no problems dropping him into our bed and leaving the room. 

Then there was last night. It was the best. We had managed to feed him dinner, give him his bath, play with him, and nurse him a couple of times. Justin took him and, true to nature, he started to fuss because he didn't want to sleep. I think he was onto us by last night and knew he was about to be put to sleep. I say this because if you had seen the looks I was getting as he laid on Justin's shoulder, you would have thought I was the meanest mommy EVER. Thankfully, he gave in though, and once again Justin had him alone in the bed in 1 minute flat. Justin and I had almost 2 hours to ourselves last night. We got to enjoy our new cable. (It's the first time we have had cable in our married life, so this is big, y'all!) Justin talked about his first day at his new job and how excited he was about starting today. I was able to give him my full attention and we were both able to relax. We went to bed happy. Now there is today. Going to bed earlier makes baby wake up earlier. 

Good Morning, Mommy! My sweet baby this morning.

Reagan woke up with Justin's alarm. Funnily enough, because this was the first weekday he has ever woken up to find Justin still here, he reached up to him as he walked to the closet. Poor baby thought he was about to be taken out of bed and into Daddy's office. That is their weekend routine. Of course, the day does not start until Mommy is awake, so Reagan was sweet enough to smack my face a few times to be sure I was good and alert. Y'all, it is now 10 o'clock. I am dressed, our bed is made, all of the curtains and blinds are open, and I started a load of clothes. Reagan has been changed once already, he has had breakfast, read books, played, and has been taking a nap for the last hour while I watch on the baby monitor. Justin- well, I'll have to be filled in when he gets home tonight. He started at his new job today and he was one VERY excited man when he left for work this morning.  Today is one of those days where all you can do is sit and drink your coffee while you think to yourself  "God is good." I may not have my house in perfect shape tomorrow when we have company, but for how well things have gone this weekend and this morning, I am content. I am happy and content. This is one of those moments when a mommy can smile and be happy. It sounds simple, like nothing at all, I'm sure, to say we found a good bedtime and I have my baby napping at 10 in the morning, but when it is you, you will realize how great a feeling this is. It is such a good feeling, I had to post about it. Ladies, I hope you are having a great morning too! 

6 Month Birthday!

Little Bit, you are 6 months old! What another crazy month it has been.

You are sitting up for even longer periods of time now. In fact, you hate laying down these days. While you used to love your bouncer, you almost immediately begin crying when we put you in it now. I am afraid it will not have many more days with us at this rate.

You just got your six month shots yesterday. You did so good, sweet boy. They even poked your finger for your first blood test at the doctor office. You didn't even cry. You just fussed because you wanted your hand back from the nurse. Once again, you only cried for a few seconds when you got your shots. The second I picked you up, you stopped. Funnily enough though, you looked over my shoulder at the nurse this time and gave her a not so nice look. It was the first time you looked upset with her. You have never minded her after the shots before. Your face made Mommy laugh just a little. As a treat for being such a big boy, Daddy got you your first banana snocone. You LOVED it!

You are reluctantly beginning to call us by name more often now. Most of the time you still like to say it just to tease us, but sometimes you will call for one of us specifically. It makes Mommy and Daddy so happy.

You have always been so alert and so curious, Sweetheart. You are certainly beginning to act more often on your curiosity. You want EVERYTHING- to touch everything, to taste everything, to get into everything. You want whatever you see other people eating (even if you can not have it yet). You love to try to take the remotes, our cell phones, and Daddy's keyboard from us. You love to pull Mommy's hair, and giggle every time I catch you. You also love to roll around and have learned how to scoot on your bottom. Daddy and I can not leave you alone on the floor anymore. You are never where we put you, silly boy. You have even begun bouncing on your butt on the floor and in the bed.

While you still love to play with Daddy every morning on the weekends and when he gets home at night, you have become very attached to Mommy in the last couple of weeks. You do not like going to the bedroom without Daddy and I both and will cry until I get into bed with y'all. You have started to cry when Mommy is out of sight, even for a minute. (Even now, you have been fussy and crying with Daddy for quite a while now tonight, and have only just stopped because he put you beside me.)

You also met another baby this past week. You were both very sweet with each other, though you seemed a little more interested in his toys than in him. It was quite amazing to watch the two of you. You calmly took it all in, as if trying to take note of everything you saw.

You are such a sweet boy, Reagan. Daddy and I are so proud of you. You have learned so much and you are growing so very fast. It is hard to keep up with you sometimes. You are already your own little person- learning and going about your business at your own pace. You never cease to amaze us. Mommy and Daddy love you, Angel Baby, so very, very much!

1st Valentine's Day for Baby

This past weekend Justin and I enjoyed a date day- just the two of us. It was wonderful knowing that Reagan was safe at my parents house being loved and played with while we had some time to ourselves. There is something so wonderful about knowing that after your date ends, you get to go back to this perfect little person you and your husband are so madly in love with.  As an adult, I haven't been the biggest supporter of Valentine's Day. Justin and I typically do something fun, but we don't go crazy. Now that we have Reagan though, we were both really excited about the idea of buying him a few Valentines Day surprises. I searched Pinterest for 1st Valentine ideas, but they were either ideas for older babies or more girl-oriented. I had to get creative. After a nice dinner at Olive Garden, Justin and I headed to Target to search out Valentine's gifts. Here is what we came up with...

1. Little Tikes Lil' Ocean Explorers- Catch Me Crabbie- This toy had been on our minds since before Christmas, so we really just wanted an excuse to buy it for him. It has a motion sensor, so it can actually crawl away from the baby. It is supposed to encourage crawling and walking. I'm surprised to say that we actually found it much cheaper at Target than Amazon. It isn't necessarily Valentinesish, but it is red.
2. Gerber Apple Blueberry- Since he is too little for candy we decided on a new food he hasn't tried yet. It was the closest red food they had, and it should be sweet!
3. Books- We couldn't decide which book to get, so we got both. Reagan LOVES his books, so we couldn't go wrong. Justin picked "I Love You Snugglesaurus" and I picked "Happy Valentine's Day, Mouse!". Both are board books, so he should be able to enjoy them now.
4. Stuffed Bear- This one we found in the holiday section at Target. Reagan really seems to enjoy teething on his soft toys...and chunking them out of his bouncer these days... so we thought he might like the puppy.
5. Carter's My First Valentine's Day Bib- We got him a Christmas bib, which meant we really wanted to have one for him for Valentine's Day too. I have to say, this one seems really thick and absorbent. Justin thinks with all of his teething, it may be helpful to let him wear it more often. :)
6. A Charlie Brown Valentine DVD- We bought the Charlie Brown Christmas movie and he actually liked watching it. We figured we had to have the Valentine special too. Besides, I like the idea of watching the movie and making desserts and Valentine cards with him when he gets older!
7. Flashcards- I remember my mom used to have a basket of flashcards when I was a kid. One set was for first words. We went to the Dollar Tree looking for first word flash cards, but they didn't have them anymore. We did find these sets though for shapes and colors and numbers and counting. I had to search Amazon for these First Word Cards. They should be here in time for Valentine's Day.

We also bought him this Valentine's Day card! I really wanted to have one for his baby book. Once again, there weren't too many for 1st Valentine's Day that looked boyish, but Justin and I agreed that this one was the front runner.
I can not wait to show him all of the goodies we got him. We definitely went a little overboard. Now I have to figure out how I want to theme his 6 month picture for Valentine's Day! That is next week though. Fingers crossed that I figure it out in time! :) In the meantime, here is one of my new favorite pictures of our sweet boy.