I am officially a terrible blogger. I have a million excuses but none of them are really worth hearing. So, please, just know that I would accept whatever punishment we bloggers have for one of our own who neglects their favorite writing home for some time. All I can sat is that this past month has been somewhat of a challenge for Justin and I. In many ways, it has been a painful experience that neither of us was quite prepared for, and it has at times felt as though there was no way through it. Yet, even through much of the craziness (which is the simplest way to define it) it has been not only a great eye-opener, but perhaps one of our greatest challenges. Justin and I have had to come to terms with the fact that is has impacted so much of our life in the last year- each other, our relationship with our family, our marriage, our future. Nothing seems untouched by it; even if it has had no more affect than to make us more appreciative of all that is good in our life.
When I was single, I thought my silence & my coolness towards my struggles was simply my independence and therefore my strength. After each challenge, I would chalk it up to a great defeat; retelling it years later to friends over a bowl of soup and a sandwich at Newks. It all seemed like such a badge of honor then. Oh, how much I knew. How ready I was to take on the world and all those in it. How I would protect those I loved. *How very blind my pride made me.*
Marriage offers no such luxuries as coolness and silence. Everything about you is in the open. Every secret inevitably comes out. Moments I most disliked in my past (my very mistakes) that I deemed of no use to anyone else in the future, I find myself opening up about now. I struggle to explain the childishness in it, or the phase that it passed with, or just the simple poor judgment on my part. Nevertheless, with a heavy heart I have told my husband more about myself than I ever thought I would.
My struggles in the past seem hardly worth speaking of anymore. Instead, I am more disappointed by how much I actually did let them affect me than I let on. This never-relenting battle Justin and I have been fighting, strangely, is not so completely new to me- how I am having to face it is though.
I think so much of my family. I thought I knew all that they had taught me, but I was thoroughly mistaken. The frustration and the hurt that fills me at times is the facts of right and wrong. Whatever craziness breached our happy little family at times, somehow my parents' voices always spoke over them. When we told each other that we loved each other, we meant it. There were no strings attached. There was no debt to be paid. A hug was loving- whether it be as a goodbye, a goodnight, a hello, or a reminder after disappointment. When we were angry with one another, it never meant for long. Time passed and we always forgave one another. When one of us was incredibly stupid, you always had someone there to remind you of your true capabilities. Hot dinners at night, quotable lines from movies, laughter, and amiable silence are all just the tip of the iceberg when explaining the love my family holds.
The struggle is not quite over yet, but this weekend was the first time we seemed able to catch our breath in a while. First, my parents came to visit. (We are rabbit-sitting at the moment.) Seeing them, and, yes, even spilling the story of our craziness quickly helped because in the end I was still welcomed with hugs and friendly smiles and the promise that they will never change. Everything they said in the past, they mean now. It's a constant which I believe I have always been very dependent. Then, we visited my husband's daddy at his house. It was our first visit and it was more exciting, and perhaps more needed, than either of us had at first thought. The visit was filled with nothing but friendly conversation and a feeling of family that I think we have both very much needed reminding of. Sunday, while Justin moved offices and went to a last minute meeting, I went to visit my adoptive grandparents (I inherited them with marriage). I shared in a cup of coffee and nonstop conversation. It was again the same feeling.
This challenge of ours, struggle as we might, has done the opposite of what its creator intended. It has brought us closer together. What has been and is still intended to break us apart, has placed us more firmly in love. Our future will, as all lives are, be affected by pain at times, but hopefully when all is said and done and we are old and gray it will have been marked by the love that filled it more than anything else.
To any other newlyweds who might be finding that "honeymoons phases" are the stuff of fairytales and that not all wish you as well as they ought, cling tightly to the love you hold for one another. No matter how angry you may be with each other or how distant your difficulties may make you feel at times, do not give up or feel as though it has finalized your future. Challenges come and go, but love must always remain. The last year has not been a complete cake walk for Justin and I, and especially within the last week we have felt it the most. Even so, I love him, and because I love him I listen to him, I trust him, and I would sooner fight alongside him in this life against whatever troubles are to come than with anyone else. I love him, and therefore I know he is the one God intended me to live this life, with all of its moments, with.
One of my favorite quotes-
"But life is a battle; may we all be enabled to fight it well."- Charlotte Bronte
Now I am off to catch up with some of you my blogging friends. I can not wait to see how you and yours have been welcoming in the fall season!
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