Choosing Grace Not Perfection

"Grace Not Perfection"                              -Emily Ley Such a simple thought, and yet it is this quote that has helped me to change the way I live my life as a woman, as a wife, and as a mommy. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a wife and a mommy. When these two roles didn't fall into place as quickly as I'd hoped, I had to refocus a bit and work harder on simply becoming the woman I wanted to be. I thought that within that time I had learned a lot about myself. Actually, I thought that I had learned everything. With marriage came new responsibilities; a new role, and I loved it. Even with the love and happiness that came with finally being a wife, I quickly became overwhelmed. No, it wasn't cooking dinner or cleaning the apartment that had my mind scrambling. Instead, it was the unexpected- the good and the bad that suddenly found their way into my daily life. It was time that I hadn't planned for and often was learning how to handle that left me feeling as though I had missed out on something on those days. I would try to make up for lost time, but I always felt as though my efforts weren't enough. Fast forward to last year. Leaving work for a few months and then returning again had given me a grateful heart. Knowing I was pregnant and that in a few short months I would finally find my work where my heart truly is made me excited. I imagined all of the perfect days I would build in our home. I would manage it all. It would all be so amazing, and this time I would get it right. Little did I know that this thought process was so very flawed.  It was two weeks into motherhood that I snatched up an old notebook from my desk. Justin had bought it a few months before we were married. We had each used it a time or two for grocery lists and such, but it was nothing of great importance. On that night though, that notebook helped me gain some sanity. I quickly scribbled out a to-do list for the month. It was nothing fantastic or earth shattering, but all of it important in my mind. For the next three months, I made out these lists. I would check tasks off, add new ones, carry a couple over into the next month. It was in these moments of planning that I felt myself catching my breath. I soon realized that I wanted to start the new year off with a bang (of sorts). I had never realized how dependent I had become on schedules and charts and lists until I started staying at home with our baby. I never realized how much clarity and sanity I gained from them. I remember how grateful I was when Justin admitted he hadn't noticed anything amiss in our daily life or in how I took care of our family or our home. At the same time, I noticed the mess and saw the everyday chores and work slipping through my hands. That was just the house. In the first four months of being a mommy I had realized that babies like routines and schedules too. Even though I had planned to let my daily routine fall around our ever-changing baby boy, I had also come to realize that he himself was on a schedule. Whether it be feedings or naps or even playtime, he had one and it changed only slightly every month or two. I told Justin I wanted to get it together. I wanted to run our home the way I had always imagined; the way I had promised myself I would. It was with this in mind that I came across the "perfect" planner.  After a night of catching up on my favorite blogs, I noticed one blogger had mentioned a great new planner she was using. One site led to another and I found myself on Emily Ley's website. Her planners were colorful, slightly vintage, and, dare I say it, the prettiest planner I had ever seen. I clicked through each link studying the pages and debating on just how well this planner would work for me. It was not in my typical WalMart planner price range, and because I had held and failed to use many a planner before I did hesitate to show the planner to Justin. Still, something inside of me just knew that this one would be different. I searched the site to understand better where my money was going. I find it easy to walk away from a purchase that goes to a cause I can't support or a person I don't like, however Emily Ley was different. In the midst of watching her story on the site, I ran across this one quote- "Grace Not Perfection". I suddenly realized that this was a cause I could get behind. 

Days before New Years, I pulled out my new planner. Unlike others in the past, this one actually comes with instructions. I remember Reagan was napping and Justin was enjoying a good game, so I sat quietly at the bar in the kitchen and eagerly followed the first steps to enjoying my new planner. It was nothing difficult. There were the obvious steps like writing in birthdays and anniversaries. There were also instructions on writing out for myself what really matters in my life. It is such a "duh" thing to do, right? Wrong. It is the most worth while thing to do. It was as I sat writing out the most important people in my life, the most important things I hope to achieve in my life, that I realized the most important moments in my life that I don't want to miss. I suddenly realized that this pretty, and perfect, little book would soon be filled with ideas and plans and schedules...and scribbles, and marks, and perhaps even a mishap or two. I realized that the daily life I imagined for my family and my home, while attainable, is one of the last things I would want in reality. I could plan every day minute by minute and I could live every day exactly according to schedule. My husband would support me and our children would learn to follow our example, but where in all of those days was there real, genuine happiness? For instance, how do you schedule a tickle fight and know that it truly reached its full potential? How do you mop up rainwater that sneaks into your home unexpectedly and still manage to enjoy your baby's bath time and his last feeding for the night without drowning in stress? How do you teach your children to set goals for themselves but to adjust to the unexpected with understanding and the same sense of calm that they would if their plans had remained unchanged? That is where grace and not perfection comes into play. 

Because there just isn't enough room in the top of the buggy.

For the last four months, I have planned weekly dinners, planned dinner on the day of, scratched out dinner and written in a last minute plan. I have scratched through chores and tasks that aren't completed the day I wanted and added other projects I didn't think I would have time for. I've written countless of Reagan's firsts down in the bottom section of each page titled "Notes". I've enjoyed remembering each week as I search through memories for some of the best to add in on Saturday's page for "A happy memory from this week". I've learned not to panic so much when the unexpected happens, and not to be so attached to my original plans. I've learned to enjoy more of the everyday moments that surprise you simply by being part of your day (ex. late mornings just to snuggle with my baby, longer lunches to let Reagan try new foods, longer nights just watching tv with my husband, etc.).  I still go to bed at night with new ideas and scratching on my notepad so I don't forget to add a task to my planner in the morning. I don't go to bed feeling at a loss anymore though. I don't wonder what I missed, because I am too busy thinking of what I enjoyed. I go to bed thankful for what was, instead of missing what could have been. I am living my life in a new way- a better way, in my mind. Perfection is different things to different people. The standards to achieve such perfection is something we all set ourselves. As a woman, as a wife, as a mommy- the standard of perfection to me is something I've set so high that I would actually have to give up more than I have to offer just to reach it. This doesn't mean that I don't still set goals for myself or that I consider myself an A+ wife and mommy. (I am only 2 1/2 years into marriage and 8 months into motherhood- please!) I have lived most of my adult life with the understanding that I can always do better and that I should always work harder. Choosing to work harder and be better at holding myself to a standard of grace rather than perfection though, is worth far more to me than planning and playing the perfect roles. Grace to me is living life, not playing a role, for what life really is. It is accepting reality for all that is and accepting this life that God has for me with all of His plans and expectations coming first and mine just fitting in where they fit in or going away because they were never a great idea to begin with. I still get worked up from time to time (I'm not perfect), but I don't hang on to it. I try to remind myself of the good in the situation, and overall I feel better. This also doesn't mean that I plan on laying back gracefully while Reagan runs wild and raises himself. It just means I am going to put all of the stress and hard work into where it matters most, like teaching our children the difference between right and wrong. It is all about living life intentionally.

"When did we get this?!?!?"

The Simplified Planner comes with a keepsake box especially for your planner. While I did question this luxury at first, I have to admit that this little book has been so open to my honest day to day plans and living that I am thankful to have the option for safe keeping when I am through with it. Days come and go so quickly that it is impossible (at least for me) to keep up with them all. I wish I could remember all of the good things that come and go in each month, but I just can't. This little book has saved them all for me so far. On days when I feel like I have accomplished little to nothing lately, I just turn back a few days and am reminding of what life has been. It reminds me to be thankful and not let myself become so full of doubt and worry. This habit in itself is in my nature, but you add being a wife and a mommy to it and it will inevitably happen. For me when this happens, I know that I need a quick fix, a swift kick in the derriere, to get me going again and focusing back on what really matters. This is where reviewing my planner comes in.  Feeding Reagan new foods is never going to look like the perfect Pinterest pictures I see. Feeding Reagan new foods is going to be very messy. It is going to require bath time to be moved up earlier in the day and it is going to require more patience than I thought I had. It is going to require me to look past the banana in his hair, the strawberry filling on his new pajamas, and the oatmeal in his eyebrows (no exaggeration here) to see so much more. It is in these moments I have found my son's curiosity appeased, his excitement released in proud smiles and giggles, and I know how happy he is with me because I am spending quality time with him. He doesn't care if bath time is early; in fact he LOVES baths. Everything, every bit of mess, is fixable and cleanable. At the end of the day, I can mark it up as an achievement for my sweet boy and be proud. 

Blueberry and oatmeal- yum!

Okay, so I definitely got off track with that last bit. We are pretty proud in this house about eating big boy food and feeding ourselves. Sorry, ladies! I say all of this to explain how my choosing to hold myself to a standard of grace and not perfection is a decision I wish I had made a long time ago. If you are looking for a new planner, or a great home binder, or...whatever (anything with paper really) Emily Ley is where you might want to look first. Her new designs are out now and she is taking orders for her August 2016-2017 planners May 11th. Sadly, I have to wait until September to order my next one because I need the January 2017 one. That is okay though, because I am struggling to decide between the fushia polka dots and her new floral pattern. My polka dot loving heart though will probably win out though! 

8 Month Birthday!

Little Bit, you are 8 months old! You have taken such big steps in this past month. One big thing you have learned to do is to crawl! You were not a fan at first, and spent the first few days after trying to stand. While you still try this on a daily basis, you seem to have accepted crawling for the time being. You are so, so, SO fast now. It is nearly impossible to keep up with you. You love to follow Mommy and Daddy around everywhere. When we are in two separate places, you crawl to the middle of the space between us (typically the living room doorway or hallway) and sit where you can sit and talk to us both. It is incredibly sweet and it makes us smile to see how much you love us both. You also enjoy being able to crawl to your toys on the red bookshelf now and pull them out like the big boy you are. Just a couple of days after learning how to crawl, you began pulling up on the furniture to stand up. If Mommy sits on the red couch, you will crawl over and pull yourself up to get to me. You especially love pulling up on the coffee table. There is so much to reach there that you just can't seem to be able to help yourself. You also know that Mommy and Daddy eat dinner there most nights and find it is a great spot to get a bite of our food from time to time. You have begun walking the length of the table in an effort to explore and share your proud smiles with both of us.  While you have been enjoying your big boy food for the last 5 months now, you have taken some pretty big steps in the food world this past month. You not only feed yourself your puffs, but also your crunchies, bitty bites, and bits of food we break up for you and set on your tray. You have also started to reach for the spoon, and have put several bites into your mouth when I put it on the spoon for you. You enjoyed not only the chocolate chips, but your very first chocolate chip cookie at Juju and Pop's this past Monday. You especially liked that Pops broke it up for you to enjoy, and for the first time you offered him the giggles and smiles he has been working so hard to get. You crawl to the bathroom with Mommy every morning. You don't like that you can't come in, and Mommy is still having to work with you on teaching you to stop at the doorway. The new Mickey Mouse sticker I've placed on the doorway seems to be doing its job though because you love it so much that you forget to crawl past it. Every day you sit in the doorway and let Mommy brush your teeth. You LOVE to have your teeth brushed and will jump and wave your arms when you see me grab your toothbrush. You try to push the toothbrush into your mouth to eat the toothpaste, so Mommy has to be careful and work quickly. We love your excitement.  You love, love, LOVE Mickey Mouse. Anything with Mickey Mouse makes you happy. On our last trip to Michaels, while you attempted to put everything in the basket into your mouth, you actually took out the Mickey coloring books we grabbed for you and did not attempt to chew on them. Instead, you studied them for 20 minutes...and then tried to put them in your mouth. A few days ago you left your Mickey shirt laying on Mommy and Daddy's floor. I asked you where Mickey was and you instantly turned and crawled back to grab your shirt. You love the Mickey cd Mommy and Daddy bought for you and love to play with your Mickey Mouse at home and in the car. No matter where you are or what you are doing, when you hear Mickey Mouse you stop to watch the tv. It is so cute! You still love going outside. When the weather was sunny, Mommy started taking you in the front yard to play during the day. You love being outside and are always so happy to play. You drink your water, play with your toys, listen to Mommy read your books to you, and watch us blow bubbles. You also try to crawl into the grass and will walk in it if Mommy helps you.  While you still are not a fan of naps, you have gotten much better about sleeping in your bed. You now sleep in your own bed all night. You only wake up to eat and then you go right back to bed. This past weekend you only woke up once or twice to eat. Needless to say, we are all sleeping better in this house.  You have learned to give kisses this past month. It is so incredibly sweet and just makes Mommy's heart melt each time you give me hugs and kisses now. You are very picky about who you will give kisses too. Outside of Mommy and Daddy, the only person you will give a kiss to is JuJu. It makes her so happy that I think she might just tear up sometimes. You are such an angel baby! One thing you dislike more than anything else is being told "no". That does not stop you from finding quite a few ways to have it said to you. You even try to ignore it from time to time, but nevertheless it is apparent to not only Mommy and Daddy but everyone else that sees you, that you are well aware of what it means when we say "no". You have even started to say it, and I must add that you use it correctly. When Mommy and Daddy do something you don't like (like put you down for a nap or tell you not to come in the bathroom), you respond with "nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh", This is how you say no. Sweet Boy, it is hard to believe how far you have come in just a few short months. You are growing so very fast and Mommy and Daddy are doing all we can to keep up. You remind us daily how truly brilliant you are. You are so alert and so aware of your surroundings. It is amazing to watch you. You also keep us going non-stop as we chase you and watch you explore. We are learning more and more about your personality, and it is the most amazing thing Mommy and Daddy have ever seen. It is incredible to know that just a few months ago you could only lay down and watch us. 8 months ago, we worried when you would realize who Mommy and Daddy were. You can not know how surprised and how truly happy we were when you smiled at us and made it clear to everyone that you knew immediately who we were when you were born. Now, you make us feel so special by choosing to follow us wherever we go. You talk to us and play with us and (yes, at times) show us you are not happy with us. Little Bit, there is no way that we will ever be able to show you just how much we love you and just how incredible we believe you are. Even so, know that we have every intention of trying to show you every day how much you are loved and wanted. We love you, Reagan. Happy 8 Months, Angel Baby!

Reaganisms (& Other Moments) Part I

So when I was younger, my mother told me that she had tried on various occasions to write down little things we said and did when were little so that she would never forget. Well, life continued happening and she of course never got to write down all that she wanted the moment she wanted to. As a new mommy, I completely understand this. That said, I still intend to try just as my mother did. Here are a few of the moments most on my mind lately...
*Justin and I have recently begun trying to keep Reagan in his bed at night. This requires Justin to wake at least 3 times in the night to fetch a crying baby so that I can feed him, and then it requires said baby (now sleeping) to be taken back to his bed. This is so much harder than we imagined. Not only because Reagan does not appreciate it, but because of our own tiredness. Often, we fall asleep at the 2 am or 5 am feeding and he remains in our bed. After several failed nights, we decided last weekend that we would be tough and he would go back each time. Reagan was NOT, I repeat NOT, happy about this. He woke us up bright and early crying in his bed. Justin was ready to get up anyway, but when he went to the room he found an explosive diaper awaiting him. Needless to say, I did not sleep in last weekend and we had to join forces to clean the mess. Score: 1- Reagan .5-Mommy and Daddy. 

*Reagan has learned to crawl in the last 2 weeks. While he hated it at first (because even our 7 month old seems to know only babies crawl and he wants to walk), he has taken to it for the time being and is very, very, very fast. Each morning I set him on the floor in our room while I get ready. He crawled after me the other day and immediately located the spider waiting on the bathroom floor. He knows what "no" means and loves to test how serious we are when we say it. That morning was no different. I had to carry him away from the spider and back into the hall. In the middle of his ranting (I'm completely serious), he looks at me and says "Yuh nuh nuh nuh nuh." Translation- "You no no no no." I couldn't help it y'all. I lost my resolve and smiled as I asked him if he had really just called me a "no-no". Of course, he responded with a smile and looked away. *The other night I got on the floor with a very cranky baby who couldn't be put to bed yet because it wasn't quite time. I took all of his toy eggs (that he loves to take apart and leave "scrambled" on the floor every day) and placed them on top of the spinning racetrack. This is a big no-no. While he loves to watch the racetrack spin and make noise, he does not like for the race car or anything else to be on top of it. He continued to open the gate and let the eggs out while simultaneously raking them off the track as well. I, in the meantime, continued scooping them up and putting them back while closing the gate. Every time he would become exasperated and looked at me as he did this funny grunt/ yell thing like "Mommy! You aren't playing right." It was the funniest thing ever. He is already pretty particular. 

*Last night Justin and I were going to grab dinner. Justin went to the front door while Reagan quickly crawled after him. When he reached the door, Reagan sat up and looked back at me in the kitchen. He said clear as day "Mama". It was the cutest thing. *When he wakes up and has had a good nap, he sits up and looks at the door (& sometimes the baby camera) until we come. When he isn't ready to get up, he cries while he does this. When he doesn't want to nap (or thinks he doesn't anyway), he sits up as you lay him down and smiles. For naps he has a toy turtle in the bed with him, so at some point he will play with it while he tries to convince us he is not tired. It is so precious!

*Right now- Justin decided to take a shower while I caught up on some blogging. Reagan woke from his nap just before Justin left, so he came in here to eat his crunchies and play with his toys. When he realized Justin was in the bathroom, he began crawling in that direction. Every few "steps" he stopped and sat up like "Mommy, do you see me?" Of course I do, but I'm not about to play chase right now. I wanted to see what he would do. (I've also been in the middle of teaching him not to cross the bathroom/hallway doorway.) He couldn't decide whether to go see Justin or stay with me, so he would crawl to the bathroom door and then crawl back to the living room door. He likes to be near both of us, so this makes perfect sense. Finally, he heard Justin and the decision was made. I had to catch him and put him back into the hallway.  Okay, so I know I am forgetting something, but this is all I have for now. Needless to say, he is very entertaining already.