Season of Thankfulness

Obviously not me, but how pretty is this picture!

Am I the only one who feels like Thanksgiving has just ran up and surprised them? I swear that I was just wearing shorts and t-shirt last week, and now I am bundled in a sweater. Oh wait....that last part is true. Got to love fall in the south. No matter the weather, I am so ready for what is my second favorite holiday. Now don't laugh, but this is how I view this time of year. Remember playing Candyland when you were little? There was the really cute lollipop girl that was so bright and colorful that I just loved landed on her little house. Then there was the pretty ice princess character just past her. Win or loose- to land on her castle meant a good game for me. Those two characters are how I view Thanksgiving and Christmas. Thanksgiving is cheerful and exciting- lollipop girl. Christmas just cannot be beat though- ice princess. Like I said, please don't think I am crazy. I am just....nostalgic. :) Anyway, with Little Bit here now I am even more crazy for this time of year than before. Technically our first Thanksgiving was last year, but this year he will be so much more present that it just feels like a first. For most of my life, I have enjoyed the quiet Thanksgiving dinners in my parents home with only the 5 of us. Now that Justin and I are married though, we have his grandparents' house to visit as well. Both dinners are similar, but both matriarchs of the families cook completely different. You can't be tired of the Thanksgiving dinners because they are so unalike, and yet you get stuffed at both places. It is wonderful! Back to where I intended to go with this post though... There is so much I have to be thankful for this year. Of course it is the same for every year, but this year it feels especially so. This year has been perhaps one of the most trying that I can remember. There has been so much to celebrate; so many little first with Reagan, but also so much that has attempted to take away from that. I feel as though I have grown so much more within such a short time. I use to mark my growth by my rank at my job or my marital status. (No, definitely not a good idea.) This year though, as I sit here typing with a grateful heart, I can think of only how much we have overcome so far and how very much my heart has to be grateful for. In honor of our wonderful Thanksgiving holiday, I feel like sharing some of what I am most grateful for this year with you.  1. My husband- He may not always feel like it, or even see it yet, but he has become my rock. I have never been so dependent or so trusting of another person (outside of my family of course) as I have him. If I am having an off day and just can't pull it together, he notices. Better yet, he steps in to lift some of the weight so that I can pull myself together and get things back in order. When I have suddenly been sick (down and out a few times this year, y'all), he never complains about the poor timing or the struggle of caring for Reagan without help. He has hauled Reagan in his sleeper to more than one store in search of medicine for me and groceries to keep us going until I am back at work. He has even put his "husband foot" down a few times and made me rest or eat when I simply don't feel like I can. He has put his own bad days aside to hear out mine on occasion, and given me a few extra minutes of calm and attention when necessary even when we have a hundred other things to do. He has tried new projects (like putting up a faux wood wall) even when he knows we are little equipped with skill to do such a thing. Even better, when the project fails in the first few minutes and my frustration starts pouring out over the clock, he becomes the most positive go-getter I could ever find. He has paced with me through the house when troubling situations have come up, and he has supported me in every solution we have come up with. He has loved on our baby boy in such a way that my heart feels it might explode sometimes with all the love those two have for one another, and he has worked harder for us than I ever could have expected my husband to one day. Troubles have come, and they try so often to chip away at my safe place. They lie, as all troubles do, and tell him that he is not enough, that he is not strong, that he is not equipped. It brings me to tears every time. It also makes me more determined to fight for him, as he fights for me. I know God is working in him even when he doesn't see it; and you don't accept such a gift only to watch someone try to tear it apart. I am so grateful that I have the privilege of being his wife, and I pray that when we are old and grey that he can think of how much I have always loved him just as I will be thinking of how much he has loved me.  2. Reagan- Just when I think my heart is full to the brim, God pours in a little more love every day. Our angel baby is our most prized gift. Little Bit, if one day you read this, I pray you be reminded of just how long Mommy and Daddy have said you were gifted. You are surely beautiful with your red hair and blue eyes. Oh, and that smile is too much for any one of us. Still, sweet boy, your spirit brings Mommy and Daddy such joy. You have grown so quickly, and for all we may have tried to teach you, you exceed our teachings simply by showing us your own interest to learn. You watch without us knowing, and you listen without us realizing. You have already come to see the importance of helping and working- though that was something we were planning to hold out on for a couple more years. You have a fire in you, Little Bit. Good gracious, is it ever such a fire. You challenge us so much these days. While I so often express my surprise and frustration at your determination to do so, thinking alone I can admit it doesn't truly surprise me. When you do learn, and you always do, that your way is not always the best way, you take it to memory. When you see Mommy and Daddy are disappointed (which typically takes a standoff of sorts where you meet our eyes finally), you are so quick to drop the matter. Your entire face slowly softens, and you wave at us and say "Hi-d" in your calmest voice. Then you give us kisses and go on about your way. When you play too rough or accidentally move too quickly and fall on one of us, you stop instantly to give kisses and say only what we can assume is your 1 year old version of "Sorry". Sometimes you let your temper burn too bright, but you are having to learn (as everyone must) to brush it out as quickly as you see it. You are learning, and you will continue to learn no doubt, that your fight is not always worth it. My angel baby, I know you will one day fight for the right things though. Your heart is sweet and you want so much to learn, that I do not doubt you will learn the difference between good and bad soon enough and that you will take it to heart as you do everything else. Somehow, and I will never surely know how, you seem to always know when Mommy and Daddy are struggling on certain days. On those days, you play a little quieter, you give even more kisses, and you snuggle with us a little longer. Even when our world seems like it is crumbling at times, you bring Mommy and Daddy back to the promise in our lives. We love you so much, sweet boy. God has given us so much hope in this life, and so much of it seems already wrapped up in you. We know He has great things in store for you, Angel- so many, many great things for you. We pray you always see them, and that you always seek Him and His will for your life. You have truly been our angel baby and you always will be, Little Bit.  3. Family- I come from a very small family. Sure, plenty of extended family, but the only sure thing I have been able to count on in this world is my little family in which I have made 5- my daddy, my mother, my sister, and my brother. In that little family there has been so much hope and promise. Surely as I have seen it happen to Justin, trouble has always tried to chip away at these people that I love and care about the most. Nevertheless they pull through. My parents always told us that our family could not have worked if one of us was missing- they saw our purpose in it everyday (even when we had to have been the biggest pain in the butts some days (I should know, I had a spell there where I know I was)). It is so true. My sister is crazy, y'all. Okay, so that is what she will tell you. She is actually the most big-hearted person I will ever know. She would give her coat to her worst enemy if she even thought they were chilly. She hides it with fluent sarcasm, and boy will she have you dying with laughter. She is quick-witted, and even when she is afraid, she moves through life like nothing ever scares her. She does not like for anyone to be left out. Doesn't matter if she agrees with someone or not. She just says what she really thinks- like it or not- and attempts friendship just the same. For all the talk she has done, she really hates to be mean or be thought of as such (but people really shouldn't take advantage, because she has a temper). I admire her so much and often wish I were more like her.  My brother is a mixture. We definitely get along better now. Although older now I think I see where we probably always got along just fine. We have butted heads more often than my sister and I (and I have known her 5 years longer). The thing is, we have such high standards for each other. My sister is in on that too, but she will be silent rather than fight it out for long. My brother and I have gone to war over the stupidest things- heck, I don't even think he knows all the fights we have had anymore. Late night talks became our thing though. I honestly respect my brother. The fact he is younger doesn't matter. I cannot stand most teenagers, but it doesn't help that I compare them to him. My brother has always watched, always learned, always been kind-hearted...though sometimes more firey. He is so much like our daddy that I have to laugh sometimes. True story, y'all. They have the same mannerisms, same smile when they don't agree with someone, same voice. He is the most adorable thing ever in his new work uniform, with his cool composure. He tries to act so cool (albeit he is pretty cool), but he is such a sweetheart. He never quite pushes it with his joking and teasing because he never wants to hurt feelings. He always sends an encouraging text when he feels I am overwhelmed, or gives me an extra tight hug to remind me he is there for me. Y'all, my brother is the ultimate sweetheart. He gives me such hope every day that good men are still growing in our country.  If I had to choose the one woman I look up to the most, I would say without question that it is my mother. She is the strongest woman I know. She is also the most sincere. She is so gentle and kind, yet she moves through obstacles with the most unstoppable grace. I will always think my mother is beautiful, and not just because of her outward appearance. She is the most beautiful woman I will ever know because I have known her heart. I have rarely seen my mother cry, and when she has it always seems like such a blink of a moment. If she didn't tell me from time to time, I honestly don't think I would ever have known my mother to be afraid of anything. She never lets it stop her. The fact she has been so open and honest with me my whole life, makes me realize and respect just how strong she actually is. Her life has not been an easy one, but she is so full of joy. I will always want her hugs and kisses. I will always crave that warm home she has made- her personal touch to detail everywhere, and spicy scented candles filling every room. She has taught me how to make home anywhere; how to make the spaces we occupy truly beautiful (and not to worry over the latest trends). She has taught me that strength and beauty rest inside of a woman. She has even taught me to save the fire we have for the moments when we will need them most. I value my family so much, and my place within it, because she raised me everyday to respect the position of wife and mother no matter where life will take me. She does not judge me when I am weak, or when I make a mistake. She has been my teacher, and still sets the example I strive for. She listens to me just as she always has, and she encourages me to believe that it is always possible to do better and grow more. She loves on my baby, but never ever oversteps or overrides me as his mother. It is a simple thing to be sure, but funnily enough not common in our families. She has taught me sometimes it is more important, and more rewarding to humble myself, and not fight with those I love, and she has taught me to always fight for those we love and what we care about. I hope I can set the same example for my children that she has set for me.  My daddy is (sorry girls)- my daddy is the best. He will never say it. He will never believe it, but he is y'all. He set the bar high. He was the first man to love me. He was the first man to tell me that I am special and worth far more than what this world will ever value me at. His disappointment in me at times was more crushing and heart-reaching (yes, heart reaching) than his anger could ever have been. He never told me I was strong because I am a girl, but he always believed I was strong because I was me- special, one-of-a-kind, handmade by God me. I have fought him tooth and nail much of my life about how weak I have felt and how unprepared I have been. He NEVER let up- not one stinking time. He has pushed me to my breaking point, and smiled knowingly as I surprised myself (but not him) with how I pulled myself back up. Though he never got into the romantic dreams of my heart (meeting my husband one day/boyfriends/crushes), he sure replaced my faith in the future plans God had for me when I would let it fall. So many, many, MANY times I have heard his voice in difficult times. He has been my silent strength. He has given me warnings, let me fall when I ignored said warnings. and held my hand as I get back up each time. He is so quiet, but so passionate about what he believes in. Goodness, do not get him wound up. He may not be a man of many words, but he sure does make each one count. When he speaks, you do not forget the meaning or the feelings behind them. He has already been everything and more that he promised to be as a grandfather. I cannot imagine our angel baby without his Pops and Juju.  I have had the privilege of watching my parents grow together for most of their marriage. Yes, I missed a few years, but what I have seen has often left me in awe. I have watched plans become reality, and hard work pay off. I have watched value decrease in worldly matters, and the value in family skyrocket. I have learned to always keep advancing, and never let a moment of weakness become a lifestyle. I have watched the family they have built gather around the family I am now being allowed to build. I am reminded every day how blessed I am to be a part of the family I am in- whether in good times or bad.  Justin's grandparents raised him. They stepped in and took the reigns when no one else would. They have loved him his entire life. They have been there for him before I ever could. They have listened when we have had trouble with other members of his family, and they have encouraged us to stay strong. They have even stood by us a time or two. They are the closest family Justin has on his side. When Justin was in the hospital a few months ago, they quickly changed their schedule to watch Reagan for us. It was a decision that was not easy for us. Though we worried about their age and keeping up with a one year old, they never once complained and truly helped us out those 2 days. Reagan was loved on and spoiled rotten by the time I got him each afternoon. It was certainly one bit of worry we didn't have to have. 4. Friends- Justin and I haven't many friends. We mostly keep to ourselves. We have several acquaintances, though mine have dwindled with time. Friends are something so sweet and so intimate though that we consider very few as such. Through all this trouble we have been dealt lately, I have been reminded how humbling it is to have such sweet spirits to call on in times like these for extra prayers. Sometimes in worrying, I haven't prayed as I should. Sometimes in worrying I haven't been able to be as strong as I'd like. Our sweet people have rallied with us though- encouraged us, prayed for us and our families, and reminded me that there is most certainly a light at the end of the tunnel. If they are reading this, they know who they are. Their thoughts and prayers have not been wasted on us, and we will forever be grateful for the love they have shown us. From encouraging verses from their morning devotions forwarded our way, to texts just to check-in and let us know they remember us...it has all been so very much appreciated. They have greatly reminded us how blessed we are to know each of them and to have them in our lives.  5. Good people- Y'all, I am not going to lie. I am not a people person. When I worked with people, I often said that people were what made my job ridiculously hard. I am not into buttheads, jerks...entitled attitudes basically. Having a paycheck held over your head and being reminded of what would happen if I straightened a few common facts out with such people made it all the more difficult to handle. I am still finding that there is always something to loose when dealing with such people, so I have to weigh my options carefully. While Justin's doctor may be skilled (and he better be), if he were not the only one in the area who could do what Justin's needs done, we would most likely have walked out by now. I have never been put off for so long, especially not by someone who is supposed to care for you. The waiting has been the absolute worst part of this whole chapter in our life. That said, we have met some really good people- "common decency" people. We may meet them at random, but I can tell you that as of right now each one's face is etched in my brain. They have surpassed fake smiles and telling Reagan hi in a quiet waiting room. I am talking about the people who have looked at us and treated us as people- real, live, human beings- be our meeting ever so brief. Nurses who have thought to bring me a meal with Justin's because they see and know that I would sooner risk getting sick myself than leave his side. Strangers who have seen we are lost in the hospital and stop to offer help and walk us in the correct direction while making conversation. Nurses who have actually cared for the most important man in my and my son's life- not just popped in an iv and checked in once every few hours. People who have seen through our strong attitudes to our heart's fears and worries. It is sad, but common decency is not so common anymore. These people though, these random angels, have reminded us that it is still very much alive nonetheless. Their example is stirring a stronger desire in myself to remember that we each have purpose in other's lives. It is not simply to preach, but to live by example- to love on one another and show true, honest, unabashed kindness.  6. Faith- I have called myself a Christian since I was 10. I never really questioned it. I know what I know, and that has seemed good enough. God is good. Satan is bad. Jesus has saved me. I am ashamed to say I have taken those facts for granted for awhile now. After all of this, I am no longer just saying any of this. God is good. He is all-powerful. He does not loose. He does not make mistakes. He does not forget us. He does not leave us. Satan is the most horrible being there is. He is manipulative and by far the best liar there is or will ever be. He knows my weaknesses and plays on them relentlessly. Jesus has saved me. He has given His all, and continues to love on me in spite of my shortcomings. His gentleness, His grace, has warmed me inside and out on the worst days. When I have run out of strength, I find security and strength in Him. If not for my faith, the future would be horribly uncertain and life would be overwhelming. I could not do life without it. I could not survive on worldly promises and dreamy plans. All of that is man-made and flawed. It will inevitably fall through, and I would be left with nothing. Though my plans do not always come out the way I want, God's plan is detailed and perfect. Trusting it is sometimes hard because I have a bit of a control issue. He knows this though. He knows it because He created me. He knows my weaknesses, and always sees me through nonetheless. The love and comfort I find in Him is humbling and wonderful and, well, just overall AWESOME.  Justin and I have been dealt some hardships. Everyone has and it will continue as such for a time. It is hard. It is hard to deal with the hardship itself. It is hard to deal with the unfairness of it all. It is hard to find the joy when all you really want to do is cry out in frustration. Truthfully, I have been angry. The angry you read about of the men in the bible, and then think to yourself how stupid they were and how you will NEVER do that. Yep, that kind of stupid is in me. Oh, I catch myself about as quickly as it makes its way to the surface, but it has been there nonetheless. I am tired of trouble. I am tired of old ghosts, and new ghosts, and health problems that keep popping up, and especially doctors that do not put a step on it. I wanted this holiday season to be spent making fun memories, no trouble, Justin completely healthy, and doting on our angel baby during our favorite time of year. You know- the whole picturesque Christmas scene. Obviously it will not be that simple for us this year, but it is not impossible. We are still capable of making fun memories, and Justin's health issue is not so bad as so many others. It is actually a blessing to find out about his afib this early on, rather than when we are older. It has bothered him for some time, but now he can actually pinpoint what it is causing the trouble. Our sweet boy will always have our love and attention. As for old ghosts and new, I am caring less and less about them all of the time. I am trying to devote more time and energy to those I love and fight the battles that really matter. I am seeing things differently, more strongly. I certainly am more appreciative of what we do have. This chapter is bringing us closer together and closer to our faith. It is bringing out the best and worst of all of us, and we are taking note and thinking long and hard about it. Even in difficult times, there is so much joy to be had. This chapter in our lives will soon be over. There will be others, we are certain, that are just as difficult, more or less. One fact remains, love will prevail. God will see us through just as He has seen us through in the past. This is true for all of us, sweet friends.    With all of that said (sorry for the length), I wish y'all the happiest of Thanksgivings be it with friends, family, or sweet strangers. May you find as much joy in your life as you possibly can and with grateful hearts gather around the table to enjoy our day of Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving!  

Thinking About Our Story

Do you know the saying "Every love story is beautiful, but ours is my favorite."? Someone gifted us this saying in a frame as a wedding present. It hangs in our bedroom, often passed by but rarely thought of.
We had a scare last Wednesday night. It was unexpected and scary, and while we got through it, it has left me thinking and feeling so many things. I can't remember right now if I have shared our story before. Memory tells me that I have only mentioned it here and there. Today seemed like the perfect day to share it though. (I would suggest a cup of coffee or apple cider for this one.) I was 23 years old. The new year had just started. I was tired of waiting. Tired of waiting for Mr. Right. Tired of dealing with the Mr. Wrongs. Tired of the stories, of the nerves, of feeling like it was all wasted time. I was tired of crying for someone that did not know me, and tired of praying the same prayer again and again. My life finally felt like it was out of a stand still at work, but where to go from there I still did not know. I wanted so much more, and unfortunately I had no idea how to get there.  I had spent the last year on a couple of dating websites. I was ready to delete my online accounts and save my time and money. I decided to give it 3 more months (Match.com's last effort to keep me.) Someone had written me the summer before, but I hadn't responded because I was talking to someone else. I hadn't forgotten him though. He had had a sweet face, and again, for whatever reason, I hadn't forgotten. I wrote him a quick hello, hit send, and thought that that would be the end of it. I was surprised to see him respond. It was possibly the worst introduction topic we first spoke of. He loved the Patriots, I hated Tom Brady. I really thought he would never write back once I told him that (no guy ever wrote back when I didn't like what they did). Surprisingly, he not only wrote back, but asked me to explain. We never stopped talking. We talked every day. We would mostly write at night. He would write after work. I would write at 12 or 1 at night. Sometimes he stayed up even later than me and I would have an email to read first thing in the morning. Our conversations were long (aka. lots of typing). While I was on vacation with my family a few weeks later, he wrote and asked if I would like to go to dinner. We met a week later, the day after I came home.  I remember walking inside the restaurant. I was so nervous; trying to prepare myself for what might be just another first/last date. I had fixed my outfit a hundred times at work that day- tightened my belt, re-flounced my shirt, fixed my pantyhose. I remember waiting, and then seeing him walk through the door. When I saw him, my nerves vanished. It felt right to stand beside him, to sit with him, to talk in person. We talked so much that neither of us ate our dinner. The waitress felt so bad that I later found out that she didn't even charge us for the full meal. Before we left the restaurant, we had already made plans to meet again that Saturday. We went for coffee, and because the coffee shop was closing, we sat outside in the cold on their concrete benches until we couldn't take it anymore. We sat in his truck, sipping our coffee as if it were the most normal thing in the world. When he dropped me off at my truck, he leaned in and kissed me. He actually kissed me. (Probably not the craziest thing to most, but to me it was a sign that I thought about, and thought about, and thought about for awhile. After things hadn't worked out with my teenage crush, I prayed to God for years that He allow no one else to have my heart except for my husband. To be sure I didn't miss the man He had for me, I even went so far as to ask Him to make sure that my husband be the next man to kiss me. Yeah, I asked for all but a giant arrow sign saying "THIS IS HIM, PAIGE!". )

We continued to write every day. We saw each other every weekend and multiple times throughout the week. It was within just a few months that our families began asking just when exactly we would be getting married. I had realized two months in that this was the man I would marry. We were on a hunt for pixy-stix for my mother. She had jokingly suggested I look for some while I was out. We had nothing else to do and ended up making an all day date of it. At one point my mother texted and said that if we didn't find them, there would be no hard feelings as we would just be forfeiting our first child to her. (Yep, only 2 months in, y'all.) Rather than running, Justin laughed and became more determined. It was as he was opening his truck door for me and helping me up that I realized how easily I could do this forever. I told him I loved him by writing it on the inside of the cardboard wrapper of a Starbucks cup. (We had a habit of hiding messages in gifts to one another.) He told me he loved me a few days later in person when he gave me the bouquet of a dozen paper roses that he had handmade for the last six weeks. We were married on a cool fall day at my parents home that October. My family helped us pull together all of my ideas to make it beautiful. The whole day was filled with such an amazing amount of love. The only nerves between us both were concerning standing up in front of everyone else. It was a small wedding, only our closest family and friends. I still remember holding Justin's hand, squeezing it every so often just to remind him not to focus on those behind us. Looking back at pictures it is laughable to see how quickly we ran back up the aisle into my parents' house. (Like I said, we were nervous.) When we left later that afternoon, it felt like the most natural thing in the world. Holding his hand in the car, helping him eat Chickfila while he drove, listening to music as we rode in mostly silence...it was wonderful. 

Our marriage has been far from easy. Our apartment, our house, our holidays have mostly come along without a hitch. Our relationship...not so much. We and our families have had to find our footing with the new additions to our family. We have had to help each other through bad days at work, bad bosses, a difficult family member, and some really sucky illnesses. (Yep, totally using the word sucky here.) We have argued. We have disagreed. There has even been a night or two where one of us considered sleeping in another room. It hasn't all been paper roses and Starbucks. 

I can't say that I look at Justin as the same man that met me that night in the restaurant or that held my hand on our wedding day. I know so much more of him now. I love him so much more than I did the day I married him. I consider that a great start. I actually imagine every day to be just that- a great start to a continuing story. We have fought and forgiven one another. We have hurt feelings and sought forgiveness. We have babied each other through sick days, and held hands through doctor visits. (We have also avoided kissing and sharing too much of the same air during these times as well...out of love for one another though.) We have seen each other's tears and felt each others pain again and again. He is so much more than the man I married in my parents yard that fall afternoon. He is my husband. He is the man that hates to mow our yard- seriously he cheers when half of the yard dies each winter, and mopes each spring when it grows back. Even so, it is our yard and we both like when it looks nice. He is the man who shared more than half our bed with a giant maternity pillow for nearly 7 months last year all so I could sleep better. He is the man who still teases me for my nervous jokes with the nurses when I've had blood work done, and who held my hand through 2 iv attempts smiling with me to remind me it would be over soon. He is the man who has contacted my parents with bad news on a day when I could not share it with them myself. He is the man who knows coffee is perhaps the go-to bandaid for my problems, and who has never laughed at me when I break down in tears. He is the man who, no matter how hot I insist I am under the covers, I will inevitably find touching me or holding me throughout the night because he just can't sleep without me anymore. He is the man that, even when he was sick in the hospital last week, asked his nurse to bring me an extra pillow at 4 in the morning when she came to check on him. I didn't even know this until he gently woke me up to put the pillow under my head. This is the man who has loved our son more deeply than he thought possible, and who has changed an insurmountable amount of diapers since August last year. He is the one who is so amazed by this little person we made, so in love with him, and so in love with being loved, that he is happy to give up his quiet morning hours on the weekend to spend playtime with our sweet boy as soon as he calls for his daddy. He has made me feel beautiful without makeup, without my hair brushed, without my original figure, and even with sticky milk dried to my skin and lack of sleep all because he looks at me with love every time. To steal from one of the best movies ever- he is the first person I want to see in the morning, and the last person I want to talk to at night. My dream for my life could never have matched how wonderful it has been these last few years. 

We had a scare last week as I said. It turns out that Justin has afib- for reasons the doctors cannot explain. Because of his age and general health, the doctors believe one procedure should be able to correct it, and then we can continue on our way. It is another piece to our story, I know. Still, it is one I would much rather skip. I would be lying to say I am ready for this bit of adventure and completely unafraid. Watching him worry and wait everyday for this invisible thing to make itself known again before he sees the doctor next is frustrating. I am afraid of how completely in love I have become with this man. I love my husband more than I thought imaginable, and I respect him even more than I realized. Sitting in the emergency room last week, and then later in the hospital room, I had time to think. I had time to remember all the countless things that I had filed in my memory. I had time to recognize all the sweet pieces that have become part of my life since Justin and I met. I had time to enjoy and breathe in the pleasure of this life God has allowed us to build together in such a short amount of time. No matter how hard or scary some of the pages to the story become, the overall story is always beautiful. It really is amazing what love can do. 

1st Year of Mommyhood

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart." -Jeremiah 29:11-13

The last year has been so full of memories. My life has changed in ways that I never could have imagined, let alone fully prepared for. I have been broken, and made stronger all at the same time so many, many times in the last 12 months. I have loved someone so new, so quickly, so completely in a way that I could not have understood before. There have been so many lessons that I have had to learn for myself in order to fully comprehend them. In honor of my first year's journey as a mommy, here are a few truths I have learned first hand.  1. My Body Had a Baby. I would be lying if I said that every day I have been grateful for the remnants that remain of having been pregnant. I spent so many years intentionally ignoring scales and diets, and even the conversations surrounding them. I always hated how women I knew belittled their value due to the number on the scales. I made it through much of my pregnancy happily gaining every pound and watching myself swell at a steady pace... that is until I saw the pictures of myself at my baby shower. I spent the next two months excitedly awaiting the rapid weight loss following delivery that the books promised me. Truth is, the weight did leave- sometimes fast, sometimes very, very, VERY slow. Now it seems to have stopped all together. Some days I cringe when I catch myself in the mirror because the belly and legs that were once large, round, and smooth are now shrunken, wrinkly, and mostly stretch-marked. I have often ignored my husband's words when he says I am beautiful, and I have beaten myself up a little because my body didn't make it through pregnancy unscathed. The truth is this though, and it is not only very obvious, but very simple- I had a baby. I grew, I carried, I delivered a beautiful, healthy baby boy- a one of kind original blessing from God that no one else on this earth could have grown. Anyone of us could go outside, plant some seeds, and harvest strawberries in plenty, but only I could have grown Reagan. While I did not deserve it, never once proved myself worthy, I was chosen to carry this precious little person and to be given the opportunity to be his mommy. Of course I have stretch marks, he needed the room. Of course I have baby weight, he had to grow somehow. None of this is abnormal. None of this has made me flawed or made me less beautiful. To be thankful for this, to remember this very important truth, to ignore the expectations of other mommies and the world we live in, is not always easy, but it is completely worth it. When I let my heart fill with thankfulness, I no longer feel inadequate, but instead beautiful and I am able to focus on things and the people who really matter to me. (I'll be honest too, a little Meghan Trainor goes a long way.)  2. There Is Beauty in the Mess. I don't know about you, but I have only become slightly addicted to  Fixer Upper in the last year. During a 3 am feeding, with milk running down my side, fighting a newborn to latch (and then relatch again), and praying not only that I stay awake through the full feeding, but that I fall back to sleep with ease, Fixer Upper episodes were my hope-filled dreams. We weren't home long before I found myself a complete and utter mess. Not only was I skipping washing my hair for more than a day or two, but I smelled like sour milk every day no matter if I showered last night or 15 minutes ago. Makeup was a distant memory. My clean shirts were covered in wet stains from milk, from baby, from both. My couch was constantly recovering from spit up stains. The smell of a fresh dirty diaper became the norm; and, long before baby toys were scattered, books, instruction booklets, breast pumps, cups, and burp cloths were laying on every surface. Forgetting the physical mess, my daily routine was gone. The day to day expectations for me were up in the air with no supervisor, no employee handbook, no time clock to help me navigate my new job. When Justin went back to work, I looked longingly at this little person I loved so much and wished with all I had that he would instruct me. White ship lap-covered walls, perfectly placed accessories, and older homes that had held families who had already found their way around life were my hiding place even in the midst of the mess. Plus, Joanna Gaines stood on screen with perfect makeup, hair, attire, and never once looked frazzled about her jobs and responsibilities to her family. Why wasn't I like that? Why wasn't my home like that? Crazy thoughts like this were common as I constantly criticized myself and tried to find my way around. One day, in one brief moment of calm, I realized just how beautiful my new life actually was. Yes, it was messy, but an instruction booklet had been put away (probably for the pump, which I think we can all agree is one of the weirdest, most intimidating contraptions you see as a mommy). It was something so simple, but it was a huge achievement for me. Reagan was sleeping. With a little luck, I would shower later that night. Life would keep going, I would keep growing, no matter how messy my life looked sometimes. Every moment of craziness, of tears, of stress, of uncertainty, of cluelessness would pass soon enough. In its wake there would be Justin and I, stronger together, feeling so much accomplished, enjoying the calm while it lasted, and praying hard that we would not forget our last lesson. Several months later, this feeling hasn't changed. Life as a mommy, for me anyway, has meant constantly adjusting and tweaking bits and pieces here and there. With every abrupt change brought on by Reagan, I quickly attempt to adjust and wait for the dust to settle. I don't let the mess ruin my day. I clean it up when I have a minute and move on. (Yes, babies eventually allow you time to do this, believe it or not.) Our home is not a Fixer Upper one, but it is mine just the same. There is beauty in it every day. I just have to work harder to find it and appreciate it more than I did before having a baby. 3. Appreciating the Little Things That Make Me Happy Is a Big Deal. If you asked my mother if I am the type of person who likes to be in control, she would probably immediately break into laughter. I am, and have for as long as I can remember, liked things just the way I want them. I might maybe possibly definitely 100% have a quirk or two. For instance. I might insist on having on a pair of jeans and my shoes every day before doing any type of work. It just may be that I don't feel like doing anything until I am fully dressed every single day. I might probably ignore a knock at the door from a neighbor and live like a hermit for the day with the blinds closed and the curtains drawn if I have no makeup on. I might even have trouble falling asleep at night in a bed that was never made that day. As I am sure you might have guessed by now, motherhood kicked me flat on my derriere and left me seeing stars. For the first several months, I slept so late most days that missing breakfast wasn't only easy, it was a given. I found myself cleaning, cooking, and rushing through a quick shower nearly every day only to have a night of random sleep and another late morning. This schedule may have worked great for Little Bit, and Justin may not have cared just like he said, but for me it was craziness. There had to be a better way. Even if that was my life that day, in those moments, what would follow? Could I help it along at all? Was I supposed to feel this helpless? Surely I could do this better. The good news is that it has gotten better. Sleeping until 9 is a luxury these days, not always a given. I eventually found myself able to finish a hot shower, and fall back into a bed that had been awaiting me after being made up all day. It just wasn't easy finding my way to this spot now. I don't always make time to paint my nails, but that isn't anything new. I do make time in the morning to put on my makeup though, even if it is an hour or two off from the day before. I do enjoy opening the blinds, soaking in the sunlight, and being prepared to step out at any given minute. If you follow me on Instagram, you know that Justin has even helped me find time to make a pot of coffee every morning without making Reagan wait for breakfast. I pick up the mess after Little Bit is in bed. I get up to a clean house (most days), and that for me makes a world of difference. I try to make plans and keep to my to-do lists, but I'm not so attached that I break down in tears and feel like a failure if the day had other plans in the end. Each little thing makes me feel a little better, makes me think I have it a little more together, and breathe a little easier at the end of the day. 4. Gold Stars from Others Mean Nothing. In a world where it seems like gold stars are handed out for every little accomplishment, mommyhood is not off limits. Now my own mother has soothed my nerves and given me strength in many a conversation, but that is because (A.) she NEVER says anything she doesn't mean, and (B.) being a mommy for her is a life of love. I respect her not only as my mother, but as a mommy all together. I take it as high praise that she lets me mother my child the way I see fit and that she trust that I know my child best. I thought that I was past needing the assurance of others myself. Then, I became a mommy and wished someone could assure me I was doing this right. At a paying job, you receive an annual evaluation in place of constant praise. That one on one time with your supervisor (plus a little bit of monetary compensation) is fresh air all of us can enjoy. Being a mommy isn't like any other job you will have though. Your hard work, your commitment, your efforts are not only without a paycheck and an annual raise, but no one can assure you enough that you are doing the best you can. Not only can you not wait around for it, but even when you have it, it won't satisfy you the way you expect it to. Only you know (and sometimes you feel like you will never know) how well you are doing. I find my assurances and evaluations from one little person. I find it in the moments he runs to me to comfort him, or when he stops playing to come up to hug me and offer me several slobbery kisses (yep, still wearing wet spots a year later). I find it when he learns a new word, or accomplishes a new skill. When I see, even briefly, that he knows he is loved, that he knows he can trust me, that he knows I am here for him, that is all the assurance and encouragement I need to keep going.  Before I was a mommy, I worried about me. I worried about my husband, I worried about my family, but I mostly worried about me. If I was upset, I thought everyone needed to know it, and someone needed to fix it. I thought painting my nails was the only extra treat I could add into my schedule because everything else was a given. I thought I worked hard. I thought I was strong when I needed to be, and I thought that I didn't care what others thought about me. I thought it was easy to succeed at whatever I put my mind to- including being a mommy. I thought being pregnant automatically made me a mommy, and that giving birth was just a part of it. I thought wrong.  Being pregnant was part of the journey. It was the very beginning. Being scared, being hopeful, praying nonstop was just the first part of me becoming a mommy. Being a mommy, a real 100% mommy, is a choice. It is a choice a woman makes every second of every day, and it is made with complete love. For me, it is the continued fear from pregnancy, only over new things that do not revolve around pregnancy, but still revolve around my baby. It is endless prayers. It is being exhausted, wanting to play the pity card I swore I would never play, and being angry over a mess that I helped to make and am too tired to clean up at times. Being a mommy is never having all of the answers, but problem-solving nonetheless. It is doing the right thing because I know it is right, even though the little person it is benefiting most thinks I am completely wrong (ex. immunizations, waking him up to nurse, nap time, not letting him play in the toilet, etc.). It is being human and worrying too much about other's opinions and then realizing how stupid I am to waste time on those worries. It is remembering, and realizing all over again, who really matters in my life. It is being grateful just to brush my teeth in the morning without a certain someone crying for me to hold him. It is doing for someone else without a thank you or a word of praise because I love that person more than I love myself. Everything I do, everything I have done, for this amazing, beautiful, little person I do because I love him. I want him to be happy. I want him to have a life so full of love that he never knows a moment without it. I never want him to doubt it. I never want him to know what it is to miss it. I want his life to be full of love in the beginning, so that hopefully it will be full of love in the end. I want this more than anything else. His life is precious, and to know him and love him is one of the greatest gifts that I have ever been given. I have never worked harder, or had to be stronger than I have in this past year, and it is only the beginning.

So to all the mommies out there- go hug your sweet babies (even if they are full grown, I promise they want you to). :) To all of the one day mommies- prepare to work hard, to be tired, and to love like you can not imagine. Being a mommy is truly a blessing. Like any blessing, it deserves to be respected and treasured, and it has a purpose in your life, so do not throw it away, ladies.

Christmas Gift List 2016

Okay, so I am sure by now that y'all are all aware of how crazy, nutty I am when it comes to Christmas. Having a baby has only made me worse. Justin and I try really hard to resist the urge to buy every adorable toy we come across throughout the year, so give us a holiday or a birthday and we are like kids in a toy store. Of course as adults (& in an attempt to be responsible parents), we still have to reign ourselves in quite a bit even then.  Thanks to Chelsea at Front Porch Stories, I decided that this year I would put together our Christmas gift list for Reagan. I hope this was what you were looking for, Chelsea! 1. Fisher-Price Little People Mighty Kings Castle 2. VTech Musical Rhymes Book 3. Holy Stone RC Cartoon Race Car with Action Figure 4. LeapFrog Fridge Numbers Magnetic Set 5. VTech Turn and Learn Driver 6. VTech Smart Shots Sports Center 7. Mega Bloks First Builders Big Building Bag (Classic) 8. VTech Go! Go! Smart Animals Grow and Learn Farm Now I know that it looks like we went a bit overboard, BUT in our defense 3 of these items are coming from the North Pole. Santa found a great deal at ToysRUS a few months ago- Buy 1 Get 1 Free VTech toys to be exact. Of course he and Mrs. Claus just couldn't pass up the opportunity to help out the elves a bit. They decided to go ahead and purchase the sports center and farm set. I mean, of course Reagan (Mr. Bundle of Energy himself) must have the sports center and his love for animals called for the farm as well. Considering they were the same price, Santa left very happy. During a recent walk through ToysRUs, Santa even found the castle on clearance. (A better price than Amazon actually- how often does that happen?!?!?!) They even have additional knights you can purchase in pairs. We saw so many cute things. Picking and choosing what to get is a lot harder than we ever expected. At the end of the day though, we really tried to choose what we think he would enjoy the most. Unlike last year, he is actually letting us see more of his interests these days. There will of course be a few little stocking stuffers, some Christmas pajamas, and a new Christmas book (for our Christmas Eve box), but I am waiting until closer to Christmas to take on the search. These are our main gifts this year though. Now just to wait for Christmas and pray he loves them as much as we imagine he will. :) 

Reagan's 1st Birthday!

Angel Baby, you will actually be 1 year old tomorrow! Mommy does not quite know what to think. Today last year, I was wandering around the house trying to finish the little touches I thought were important before bringing you home (mostly this meant a lot of cleaning). I remember being so very tired and not wanting to move at times. I took quite a few breaks that day and just laid my hand on my belly to feel your sweet little arms and legs kicking me back. I was nervous about what would happen the next day, but I was so very excited to meet you that I could hardly stand it. I remember Mommy and Daddy went for Olive Garden and Orange Leaf that night, and we talked about you the whole time. Daddy slept hard that night (which would be the last time that happened for a while). We fell asleep talking about how soon we would have you with us in that same bed. I remember it all as though it were last night.

"Rabbit Food"- or baby carrots with...

Peanut Butter and Cream Cheese Dip (on frozen reusable ice cubes from $1 Store)

Acorns- Ritz Bits, Hershey Kisses, and Chocolate Chips

Trail Mix- Pretzels, Pastel M&Ms, Gerber Owl Cheese Crackers, & Cinnamon Teddy Grahams

Pretzel Sticks covered with chocolate and graham cracker crumbs.

I can not believe it has actually been one full year since we finally got to meet you. You have kept us so busy; so happy (even if very tired at times). You have accomplished so much in your first year, Little Bit. You are far from that helpless, cooing baby we first met. Then again, we knew even back then that you had so much to tell us; so much you wanted to do with us. You are such a little explorer. Everything, anything, at any time will peak your curiosity and nothing will satisfy you until Mommy and Daddy examine it with you. 

You wake up talking. Truly. You begin talking as soon as you lift your head from the mattress. It amazes me, and it makes us both laugh to hear you. You get that from Daddy because Mommy wakes up much more slowly than either of you. Still, that beautiful smile that greets me each morning wakes me right up and assures me that it is going to be another great day.

Little Bit can put away some lemonade, y'all. He LOVES it!

You have such a little fire in you. Oh my goodness, what a fire you have. I do believe you will be so strong-minded that few will ever get the better of you. If they do, Mommy and Daddy are certain you will learn quickly and grow stronger from it. I do admire this special gift you have, sweetheart. I know it will be some time before I can ever tell you this, but it really is a strong piece of your character. You are very clear that you do not like being told no, and you sometimes fight us to prove we are wrong in telling you so. (Yes, even at 1.) It hurts Mommy to have to get onto you, but I know if we can teach you to use that little fire correctly that it will be the good gift it is intended to be.

Teddy Bear Face Masks with Giant Colors for craft project

Fall Decorations that I already had, but they matched so well and are so happy. Reagan keeps trying to get them.

Track Decals from Oriental Trading Company

Thank You Bags (w/ Themed Cups for the 2 children that came). 

Thank You Bags included a Fox Cookie, a Pretzel Stick, Blue Dinner Mints, Owl Playing Cards, and 1 Hand Sanitizer

You learn so quickly, Reagan. Gosh, you learn fast. It absolutely amazes us what you do and say. You have learned words are a great form of communication, and you have wasted no time in putting as many as you can to use. Even if you are rambling in 95% gibberish, your emotions and expressions always make it crystal clear what you are trying to convey. You try so hard to learn new words though, challenging yourself to do better. It is so incredibly amazing.

He only let me open the 1st gift with him, then he went straight to Daddy, so we swapped. 

You and your daddy have a special bond. Even on that first day that we were alone together while Daddy was at his office, I could tell you were looking for him. You just had this puzzled look on your face, like something or someone was missing. When you saw Daddy that afternoon, you were completely at ease. You almost looked like you were laughing at yourself for not realizing it was specifically Daddy you wanted that day. Everyday after was the same. When you could finally say dada, you started saying it at random throughout the day. You've even used it a time or two to guilt me for telling you no at times. You started calling out to him as soon as he walked in the door, and when you could crawl you began crawling straight to him as soon as the door opened no matter where you were in the house. Now that you can walk, it is even better. On rainy days, we wait inside by the french doors. You look outside (in the direction his truck comes) everyday and you wait so patiently. Sometimes we go outside and you run around until you see him. The other day I had to chase you down the driveway 3 times because you were not only running to the street, but trying to turn down the side Daddy comes from. I have had to start using your backpack leash to keep you in the yard while we wait now. Every time though, no matter what, your face is always the same. Your eyes light up and you give the biggest, sweetest smile while you tell him hi and hold up your arms to be picked up. I do not know anything else could make your daddy happier everyday. You sleep until the same time almost everyday, but on the weekends you fall on Daddy's schedule. You will wake up 2 hours early every Saturday and Sunday and call for your Daddy because you know he is up. I hear the two of you playing together every morning (and poor Daddy having to chase you a few times). When y'all hear Mommy, you both come in the room with smiles and kisses for me too.

That hat only lasted until the candle was blown out.

He was crazy for some cake. Pops shared his while I cut everyone a slice.

You and I have had a pretty crazy year, Little Bit. We have struggled with a rough start nursing, bad diaper rashes, fighting naps, hard nights, and the infamous moments where I tell you no for doing something you shouldn't. These are bittersweet moments for Mommy. I have been near tears, in tears, or completely frustrated during each of these scenarios, and yet, in the end, the joy that comes from overcoming each of these moments with you is so satisfying that I will gladly fight through it all whenever needed. I love you fiercely, Reagan. You have no idea that when you stop playing to lay on my chest, or shower me in (albeit slobbery) kisses, or give me that bright smile with those twinkling eyes, you make Mommy's heart swell a hundred times over. Even when you are happily playing with Daddy on the weekends or in the afternoons, you are always happy to add me into the mix to play too. I love being your mommy, Angel Baby.

Because even after cake and gifts, you HAVE to have a chocolate pretzel stick. :)

After the party, there was an after party of sorts. Crazy boy was all into his new ball pit.

Oh, and can't forget the V-Tech Karoke Machine Juju and Pops got for him! Too cute!!!

Reagan, you have completely turned your daddy's and my world upside down. Life before you seems so far gone that it is hard to imagine there ever was such a time anymore.We have loved every minute with you- yes, even the hardest, tear-filled minutes. You are our first angel baby to enter our life and begin our family, so tomorrow when we are celebrating your 1st birthday, we will be celebrating our first year as a family with you as well. God surpassed every prayer we ever prayed when He gave us you. We will forever be grateful for His decision to trust you with us, and we pray every day that He continue to show us how to be the very best parents to you, sweetheart. You are such a blessing, Reagan. You are so loved- so strongly and truly loved. You can just never know exactly how much you are loved. Mommy and Daddy love you, Little Bit. Happy 1st Birthday!!!

When Making Mommy Friends

I am so ready to post pictures of Little Bit's 1st birthday party, but I am still shifting through pictures. My mother took so many good ones y'all, so be ready for lots of party pics! For just a minute, I need to hop off the excitement of birthdays and planning. I've recently been dealt a situation that I honestly wasn't expecting- a mommy friend. Anyone else having any luck? If you are, be grateful. If not, take a breath and still be grateful. Here is why I say this to the later- In all of the hope-filled, idealistic plans I have had for my future as a mommy, my life in the mommy realm with other mommies has perhaps been the most unrealistic (or perhaps just the most unlikely). Making mommy friends wasn't a top priority for me at first, but the opportunity presented itself just the same. Through acquaintances, I met another mommy with a child near our own sweet boy's age. The first meeting was awkward, but there, in the last few minutes, we found common ground. Looking back at that day, I can only shake my head. I left with my feet steadily lifting off the ground. I could suddenly imagine play dates, company to the park, visits to the museums, automatic friend to talk to when our babies are old enough to play t-ball...and it went on and on. The possibilities were endless and I grew more hopeful by the second. Inside I felt that cautionary voice tugging me back to the ground, warning me not to place too much weight on something so new, or rather in someone I barely knew. My daydreaming had built up my pride too much though, and I pushed caution to the back like a bully on the playground. A positive attitude was all I needed. Simple as that. If only... We immediately began trying out family dinners and outings together. At first, Justin and I both convinced ourselves it was working. We weren't exactly the same as she and her husband, but we weren't polar opposites we told ourselves. Then one night, our family get together was horribly awkward. Justin and I left not knowing what to think. We must have talked about that night for days. At first, we talked about the little events and laughed a little (each trying to get the feel from the other as to his/her real feelings), but soon one of us broke and the other was quick to follow with a sigh of relief. Crazy as it was, neither Justin nor I wanted to ruin our possible friendship with this family for the other person. That night was different though. Honesty and relief poured out of both of us. We quickly came to the conclusion that perhaps family time was not the best thing for our families after all. Still, I wanted a mommy friend, and the events of that night hadn't really been her fault. Actually, I felt sorry for her.   The play dates continued and, y'all, it was never that often and yet still too often. When we did make it happen though, I always left feeling a little worn down. During it all, I found myself ignoring the little red flags, promising to think of them later, and just played through the time on my best behavior. This was another adult- another mommy with babies- I needed this adult interaction. Again and again and again I told myself this same thing. Every time though, I felt a little discouraged, a little weary of things that were said, or often unsaid, or looks that were made. Things Reagan had accomplished were met with excuses for why her child couldn't yet. *When I say excuses- no, I wasn't asking her to explain. She took the defensive on her own.* I tried to be patient with her during these times. When Reagan learned something last, I myself felt a little bad and worried if it were somehow my fault. We are mommies. It happens. It isn't uncommon to take the responsibility for your child's personal milestone pace. Even so, I always ended up being pushed to feel apologetic- for why her child was ahead of Reagan, or why her child was behind Reagan, for my house being cleaned and prepped to enjoy her family's company, or why I skipped an outing with her, or why I didn't invite them over, or why I let Reagan have an extra donut hole, or for not claiming to have read every child-rearing book. Stupid, stupid, stupid little things that makes neither of us good company to one another. Plus, twice her husband confronted me in a way that made it clear he believes even I answer to him. *Stop* Now, this right here is one major sore spot for me. (1.) I am not/never have been too keen on being told what to do, or manipulated into doing something. (2.) Of all the men on earth, last time I checked the only man I owe any explanation to for anything is my husband. Out of respect, I would answer my daddy even now if he ever asked me to explain myself. That said, those two men would never abuse the place they have in my life and talk to me or anyone else's wife like this man has taken upon himself to speak to me. Rant over. Fast forward a bit. One day a few weeks ago, it really hit me how grown up Reagan is. Yes, he is still completely and totally a baby, but he isn't the helpless little person I brought home. He's hit all of the baby milestones. We are going into our 2nd year together. Oh. My. Gosh. I can remember so much of it, and yet I feel as though I can not remember enough. I thought of how often I have been focused on my outings with her and her family; even in the days following as I struggle to untangle the mess of thoughts and feelings I have about it all. A real relationship isn't meant to be like this, especially not with someone I am giving some of my and my child's most precious time to. One day, I hope Reagan will make friends. When that time comes, I know that good or bad I will have contact with other mommies. We may be friends; we may not. In the end though, as long as Reagan is happy then that is all that matters. Right now, this "friendship" has been more about me and this other mommy. Our children have not bonded. A piece of me is angry at myself for the time I have lost debating something that doesn't really matter. On the other hand though, knowing full-well that God has reason for EVERYTHING... *I have come to appreciate my time with my angel baby even more than I thought possible. *I have become even more excited and hopeful for my friend and for my sister who I fully anticipate will soon join me as wives and mommies.  *I have found myself enjoying and pushing myself to venture out more and more with Reagan. It is never time wasted. Y'all, seriously, if I could tape the little person he is all of the time... it is so amazing. I am absolutely in love with this little boy (sitting beside me on the floor, chewing on my phone case.*Nope, not waterproof either.*). Having a mommy friend is truly a gift if you have such an opportunity. Talking diapers, new words, fumbles and tumbles is all sweet and fun these days. I love every bit of it. Knowing it all or having your brain together long enough to finish a complete sentence is not required. There is one major factor though- something that is key for any relationship, especially a new one as a mommy- my time is precious. It is more precious now than it was even 4 years ago when I was single, or 3 years ago when I met Justin, or even last year at this time when I was 4 days from our delivery date with a mountain of nesting to do and zero energy. Because of this one little person- this less than 3 feet tall ever-growing, jibberish-speaking little boy- my time is valuable to me. Every minute that passes with him leads to another milestone and marks another memory. In my old age, I won't speak with pride and an over-flowing heart because of the branches I helped supervise, or the clothes that I wore, or even the awards that I won at work. No, instead it will be the giggles I caused, the snuggles I stole, the tears I made disappear, and the random "just because" kisses I was given from our sweet boy that have brought me my best success, my strongest encouragement. Each of these moments, each one, is a gift from above. I am not entitled to them. There is no automatic button for them (in case you were wondering). I have to work for them. Sometimes they are gone for so long, I myself feel like crying because I worry I may never see them again. They are that needed and that precious in my life now. All of this said, when I share my time with someone else, I expect them to appreciate it, even add to the memories. For me, I have realized that in order to be a good mommy, I am called to do a lot of challenging, nerve-wracking, uncomfortable, even new things sometimes, but never should this sacrifice the time I have been given to enjoy and grow our sweet boy into the young man he is meant to be or the wife & mommy I am supposed to be.  I have really prayed and struggled with what to do here. I have talked so much about it that Justin and my family are probably praying for an instantaneous solution for my problem or a roll of duct tape for their ears. While I have no problem making up my mind, I do hate to hurt feelings, especially when it is a decision I make based on differences. The truth is this though- I haven't found a mommy friend. She and I are a distraction for one another. We are grown women, married, with a child the same age expecting to be more similar than we are. We neither agree nor respect the other's approach or outlook on life. For the sake of dreamy ideals that we hold, we are trying to force a relationship while our babies are growing up and making memories whether we see it or not. It isn't fair to either of us or our sweet boys. I will still her (it is not that big an area), but rather than attempting a closer relationship, I think I will simply see her as an acquaintance. No more play dates, no more get-togethers, no more birthday invites- simple, respectful conversation when we pass each other is how I will move forward. I don't have to be friends with every mommy I meet, simply attempt to respect them. Today was library day, and rather than aiming to attend because it is what expected of me, I opted for quiet time out with Angel Baby while the weather was clear. I will say here that I actually do love storytime with Reagan, but when the reason for doing something is more for someone else than myself or my family then it isn't worth it. So, no, to the library today. Instead, we ventured to the park. Y'all, I never take him alone, but I did today. He laughed as I pushed him in the swings, helped him climb the plastic dinosaur, and we both steadily melted in the sweltering heat. You could have written a book with all that he was attempting to tell me- a mix of steady jibberish and English. When we got back to the car, he guzzled every bit of lemonade that I had saved in his sippy cup for him as a treat. He even took the time to put his cup in the cupholder in his carseat, which he has never done before today. We left after only 30 minutes, but this was a huge feat for us and it was one filled with so many memories. Afterwards we went for donut holes- our treat. The tables were full so we came home to eat. I changed into shorts so we could enjoy our donuts picnic-style in the front yard. We shared a bottle of water...until someone got chocolate icing crumbs backwashed into the bottle. Then it was solely his bottle of water. I rocked him to sleep for his nap right after and, y'all, I lost count of how many kisses and hugs he gave me. We ended our adventure with a trip to my family's house where we were both hugged and kissed and loved on for hours. It was time preciously spent and enjoyed. There were still multiple "no-no" moments and a few bumps and tears, but overall it was wonderful. These are the days I want to savor. These are the memories I want to share with him- whether we stay home or go out to adventure. This is time I will never get back. We only get one shot at this, ladies. Enjoy it! Also, for a humorous take on mommies we meet today, hop on over to Marry Mint and read about Amanda's recent experience!